I did some jogging today. I jogged about 6 miles. I felt okay until I got to the 5th mile (Why is the last mile the hardest mile?). I slowed down 'cause my legs were hurting. I am getting better at this kind of exercise. I have plenty of body fat for fuel. I think I have enough blubber to run a marathon. I only need to drink water. It's nice to jog at night 'cause the sun doesn't wear me out. I don't have a lot of money for fun, so jogging is what I call 'fun.' Later on, I went home & soaked my legs in the bathtub with hot water. I hope I'll be able to walk tomorrow morning. I usually have trouble walking down the stairs the day after I work out.

I thought about my goals today. It's a frustrating experience for me to think about goals because I visualize what I want, but I don't know what I need to do to make the visualizations real. I am planning to keep my job and get a pay raise every year. I want to build up a good credit rating, or rather, avoid screwing up my credit rating and making it worse than it already is. And I would like to finance an affordable house. And I would like to start dating again. These are simple goals I feel I can accomplish. Of course I have lofty goals like living in a mansion and driving Italian sports cars. But it's hard for me to think about lofty goals when I look at my paycheck. If a millionaire looked at my paycheck, he'd have a heart attack from laughing. Hmmm...maybe I could steal his wallet after he dies. Okay, now I have a plan to get rich.

The most money I've ever had at once was $3000. I have spent most of my life without a lot of money and it makes me feel depressed. I now have a chance to make a halfway decent salary w/ my job promotion. If I can be patient for 4 years, I'll make enough money to buy a few luxuries. The problem is...I want it right now!!! I think it's interesting that the people who say that money doesn't matter to them have 100 times more money than I do. Perhaps it wouldn't matter to them if they traded places with me....

When I hear the news pundits talk about the worldwide economic crisis, it seems unreal. I mean, I look around me and people are driving $30,000 cars and living in $300,000 houses. That's not what a recession/depression looks like. When I see thousands of people sleeping in tents, then I'll believe we're in an economic crisis. What irks me about this situation is: those of you that are making a billion dollars a year, or whatever, sure as hell aren't going to do anything to help the situation.

I missed my golden opportunity to get a home loan when credit was loose. Now credit is tight---well, not unless you own an insurance company or an investment bank. A loan officer at a bank will look at a low wage worker, such as myself, and bust out laughing at the sight of his loan application. And three years ago, people w/o any real money and bad credit got home loans! Well that's just great. How many examples of EXCLUSION do I have to experience in my lifetime? If I want something of value, I have to work and suffer for years & years & years. And the money I get (and it isn't much) is not only from working, but dealing with brainless customers and demanding supervisors. Everyone wants me to be good and flawless while they are careless. Its work and the HUMILIATION of having to work for ***holes that earns my pay. And I can take that to the bank---which is happy to take my money and lend it to people who don't need it! And the same deal goes for the federal government. I have to give up a portion of my paycheck so some rich executive can get a Christmas bonus. Some of these guys would be the envy of Ebenezer Scrooge. They can fill up a whole swimming pool with $100 bills and dive in it. When politicians look at them, they see someone important. When they look at me, they don't see anything. Nothing at all.

I've been alive for 40 years. I feel embarrassed to say my age out loud. "How old are you?" I am 40 years old. Soon I'll be 50. I've never celebrated my birthday as an adult because I feel depressed about being born. My family irritates me---the way they remind me about being born. They just don't get it: I can't be happy unless I have something good to look forward to. Don't say, "Happy Birthday." Tell me I've won the lottery or something. Then I'll be happy for you.

I remember a time long ago when my guitar teacher told me that playing the guitar was the best thing he knew how to do. I feel that way today, and he was around my age at the time. The efforts I've made to establish some kind of career seem like wasted time. My whole life feels like a waste of time. I'm sure there are people in this world who would do great things with my life if they lived it. I chose to live it in the lamest way possible. But all I ever wanted out of life was to have a good time. I never wanted to go to school or get a job. I just wanted to have a good time. But that's what kids do and I am an adult---that means I have responsibilities. Boring responsibilities. If my goal in life was to take long walks on the beach and in the forest, you could say my life was a success if I died today. The times I spent doing nothing productive were meaningful to me even though no one would ever care---especially teachers and business owners.

I've come to the conclusion that I don't need to have any fun---even though I'd like to. Entertainment is something that should only interest the middle-class and the rich, for they can afford it. A guy like me should have a boring life. I should not desire anything that costs more than a few dollars. If I was a guy like that, I wouldn't get upset everyday. I would just go to work and then go home and watch stupid TV shows with contentment.

Well, I finally got some decent time at my job. I'm full time this week. That's rare. I still want to look for another job. I'll make a decent paycheck this week, but I don't know about next week. They might cut my hours to 30 or even 25. I never know how much money I'm going to make. Whenever I get my tax papers in January, it looks like I make a lot of money. But, then again, I don't get to keep all of it. Taxes, taxes, taxes! Why do we need so many taxes?! There should be JUST ONE tax. One tax should cover property, income, social security, and anything else the government wants to take from me. Sheesh. I'm tired of taxes. I would have lots of spending money w/o these goddamn taxes. I could have more entertainment w/o taxes! The taxes that I pay benefit other people. I get very little benefit from those taxes. I feel like I should be exempt from taxes since I can barely survive w/ my paycheck. My government cares more about Iraq than me. I'm paying for some war contractor's larger-than-life salary while I'm working for peanuts. Why spend money on Iraq in the first place? They don't care about us. Personally, I could care less how many terrorists are over there. They can't do anything to me. I experience enough terrorism w/ my stressful job anyway. American money should be spent in America. Perhaps the politicians would discover that we could actually get out of this economic slump by letting the Iraqis babysit themselves and investing our tax money here at home. Duh.

I feel excited about getting my paycheck two weeks from now, but the excitement will only last a day. I'll have to pay the rent and other stupid bills. Oh well, at least I'll have something to eat this time.

After looking at the toned bodies of the summer olympic athletes, I decided to try to get in shape. I stopped by Tree Park after work and did some stretching. Then I joggged on a bike path next to a river. I jogged for about 10 minutes and I got tired and stopped. Then I walked for about an hour. I looked at the river to my right and the houses on the left side. I passed by a minor league baseball game and heard the announcer saying something. All I can remember is his "annoucer's voice." I'll bet he dreams of getting a major league gig, like the baseball players, and leaving this dusty town. I went off the bike path to walk around a little bit. I looked at some huge 8 cylinder trucks at a used car lot. I wonder if people still buy these things with gas at $4 a gallon. Well, some people have lots of money to spend so it doesn't matter. If everyone had my skimpy paycheck, they wouldn't be driving big 4x4 monster trucks. Anyway, I felt better after taking a break, so I did an "airborne shuffle" all the way back to my stretching area. It was very dark when I was shuffling back. With the hot sun gone I was able to maintain an easy pace. I felt that I could've gone on for hours. When I got to my stretching area, I paced back and forth in order to "cool down." Then I stretched a little bit and drank some water from the water fountain. I looked up in the night sky and saw the Big Dipper. I felt like reaching up and grabbing it by the handle. I felt pretty good about exercising because I've been planning to do it for a long time. Even though it's common wisdom that one should never push it to the limit on the first day of an exercise routine, I felt motivated to go for it. I felt like I could run for a long time. When I got home, I took a hot bath. I can't be lazy and have a toned body. So that's the way life is.

I'll bet you're happy,
Happy with your horses.
The sun shines high on the stables
Where the dusty hoof prints
Scattered unpatterned mark your prize.
The heat and my misery burn up your air-cooled
                                                                palace
For the sake of sins unforgiven; still unforgiven.
You took the money 'cause it was there.
You took it as if no one cared.
And now the glory is yours.

I'll bet you're happy,
Happy with your horses
And their saddles stocked in the shady barn.
The leaves flutter in the breeze as
The trees dance in honor of your gaiety.
No one can see the mud cakes beneath your boots.
No one but me.
So now the evening has come
And the lavender sky was made for your solace.
You sit indoors with ice cream and brandy
And nothing extra.
You glance toward the window
As the dogs of doom
Are barking outside your house.

What a thrill it is to be you.

Can my life get any stupider? Anything's possible. In my life, there's always been a potential for greatness instead of a manifestation of greatness. There's nothing great in my life---nothing worth bragging about anyway. I had oatmeal for dinner because I spent too much money. I made oatmeal for breakfast yesterday and it's going to be lunch and dinner as well. I had money a few weeks ago. I spent it all. I tell myself that I need to be sensible. I need to save money in case I need it for the future. The future is now and I'm broke. My next paycheck will be used for unpaid bills and taxes. I'll just eat grass like a cow. Food isn't important when one has bills to pay. I can't enjoy life if I have to have a job to live. My money doesn't stay in my wallet for long. It costs $45 to fill up my gas tank. My car is supposed to get good gas mileage, but I keep running out of gas every week. I want a car that can go 1000 miles on a full tank. There was a time, long ago, when I could survive with $20 a week. I could buy gas & food with $20. Well a 20 dollar bill may as well be a 1 dollar bill. It doesn't go far enough.

The idea of going to college and starting some kind of career doesn't seem real to me. I can only imagine it. There's nothing I want to do when it comes to working. I don't like working. I don't like being supervised. I just don't want to be bothered with people most of the time. I want to be able to go somewhere and not be bothered by the world and still have money to spare. Those that are wealthy have this luxury and some of them don't even realize how great it is. I mean, there are some people right now who don't have to work---ever. They inherited money from relatives who have had to work. And these guys will spend $100,000 on cocaine and hotel rooms. They don't have the imagination to do great things. They just want to sit in a hotel room and snort cocaine. What a waste of money!

This sickness I feel has gone on for years. I envy people who don't have to envy others. They can do whatever they want to do and the bills are paid. I try to make goals for improving my life. I write down my goals and I tell myself that if I do such and such I'll have money and I'll feel better. And then something holds me back from reaching my goals. I don't know how to explain it. I just don't know how to sustain the effort. My spirit slows down and then I STOP.

My legacy is: dead end jobs; no where life. I want to leave it all behind. I want more. I've always wanted to feel excited about living as if I was going on a fantastic journey. I want my life to be like a great song you can listen to forever. It's got a cool beat. You can sing and dance and not get tired. I want to stop being tired....

I want to believe what they say when they say you can be whatever you want to be. Just try. Just wish for something and you'll get it. You will. I love to imagine this great life I should have. I don't know how to get it. But I think about the end result and it's so wonderful. It's beautiful. I have a beautiful unreal life. And whenever I lose myself in the daydream of unreality, something happens: my alarm clock buzzes, the doorbell rings, my neighbor's lawnmower growls, or whatever. Something irritating wakes me up and I realize that I have to go to work, or get ready for work, or try to find another job that's more tolerable. My life is like a 10 year old computer. It's functional but outdated. I need an upgrade. I've been angry for all these years because I am surrounded by great things and wonderful events that I'm excluded from. All the good things seem to be on the other side of a thick, glass wall. I see it. I pound on the glass. I want it. I scream. No one hears me.

The IRS wrote a letter to me saying that they will send my economic stimulus refund check in a week. What a waste of money to send that letter to me! Just send the check, you morons! I am really desperate for money. My work hours have been reduced lately so I can't indulge in frivolous spending. I need to look for another job---a job that doesn't drive me crazy! I wish I had a
job that didn't require me to smile at rude customers.

I decided to exercise. I'm tired of my beer belly. For the past two days I've been jogging in this park. I call it the "tree park" because it has a dirt trail to allow people to look at the
different kinds of trees on display. Most people don't go to this park so it's a nice place to be alone. The older I get, the less people I want to see. I should be living in a small town. I grew
up in Los Angeles and talked to millions of people. And out of those millions I only found about four or five people that I really like.

I ate too much food for dinner. I usually eat a large dinner when I watch the presidential primaries. What makes me mad about the Democratic primaries is Michigan and Florida. These idiots didn't follow the party rules and had their primaries early. Now their delegates don't count right now, but they might be counted during the convention. So everybody's held in suspense to see if Sen. Clinton will end up with more delegates than Sen. Obama. This isn't the first time Florida has held the nation in suspense. They need to stop fooling around before I come over there and slap the stupidness out of them. And while this nonsense is going on, the news media isn't reporting anything about Sen. McCain or Rep.
Paul. They act like the Republican party is on vacation. I'm going to have to wait until June to see who's the Democratic nominee for president. The suspense is irritating me! This is the longest
presidential race I've ever seen. It's been dragged out for two years already. My birthday wish is this: I would like to have a president that has some COMMON SENSE between his ears. If you want to be the president of the United States, you have to exploit poor people for their votes and then forget about them when you get elected. Then, four years later, ask them to vote for you again! Oh, but THIS TIME, you'll help them. THIS TIME you mean it. It's just sugar water. All this political yakkity yak. It's just sugar water for the masses and we drink it up to feel good for a moment. When the election's over, we'll go back to our mundane lives and bitch about the broken trust between us and the leaders. And there's nothing a sane man can do about it 'cause most people have
made up their minds to vote for sugar water.

Thursday was a relaxing day for me. I went hiking in the Sierra Nevada mountains. I found a secret place to be alone: I sat on a huge stone overlooking a valley with green grass & pine trees. It was nice to sit for a moment and not think about anything. I like to go on long walks when I get aggravated with the world. The animals of the forest fascinate me, though rarely seen. When I look at the baby pine trees, I realize that they will live for thousands of years. The forest is almost eternal, and my life is just a few seasons during the span of those majestic trees. A pine cone fell to the ground during the Roman Empire and the seeds therein became towering giants in the Internet Age. If these trees could talk, they'd have amazing stories to tell.