Friday Jokes and Stuff (No Moz Content At All, So Don't Complain If You Open It Looking For That)

  • Thread starter The Artist Formally Known As "Mud"
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The Artist Formally Known As "Mud"

Guest
Christmas in June.....

http://www.thespark.com/content/122299/satan.html
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Sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy." - Tom Clancy

"You know that 'look' women get when they want sex? Me neither." -
Steve Martin

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless
experiences go, it's pretty damned good." - Drew Carey

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney
Dangerfield

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night."- Woody Allen

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

- George Burns

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

- Matt Barry

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like leaving your dog at the
taxidermist when you go on vacation." - Camille Paglia

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - George
Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant." - Henry Miller

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362
admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love
heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." - Lynn
Lavner

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
300SL convertible." - Unknown
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IMPORTANT READ & REMEMBER

From a deputy sheriff friend .

There's two parts to this email. Make sure you read all of it, it could be
very important someday. If you got this and you're a guy...Please pass it on to all your
female friends, your sister, your mom, your wife or your
girlfriend.

TIPS ON STAYING SAFE...FOR WOMEN

I learned from my children's karate classes that the elbow is the strongest
point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail
lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The
driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

Last night I attended a personal safety workshop, and it jolted me. It was
given by an amazing man, Pat Malone, who has been a body guard for famous figures
like Farrah Fawcett and Sylvester Stallone. He works for the FBI and teaches police
officers and Navy SEALS hand-to-hand combat.

This man has seen it all, and knows a lot. He focused his teachings to us
on HOW TO AVOID BEING THE VICTIM OF A VIOLENT CRIME. He gave us some
statistics about how much the occurrences of random violence have escalated over the
recent years, and it's terrible. Something like 99% of us will be exposed to, or become a
victim of a violent crime.

Here are some of the most important points that I got out of his
presentation:

(1.) The three reasons women are easy targets for random acts of violence
are:

(a.) Lack of Awareness You MUST know where you are & what's going on around you.

(b.) Body Language Keep your head up, swing your arms, stand straight up.

(c.) Wrong Place, Wrong Time DON'T walk alone in an alley, or drive in a
bad neighborhood at night.

(2.) Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating,
working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc).
DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect
opportunity for him to get in the passenger side, put a gun to your head,
and tell you where to go.

AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

(a.) A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking
garage: Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger
side floor, and in the back seat.

(b.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger
door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their
vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

(c.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the
passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car,
you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you
back out.

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

(3.) ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are
horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).

4) If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN!

(a.)The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And
even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

(5.) As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or
killed.

(a.) Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good looking, well educated man,
who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with
a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his
vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

(b.) Pat Malone told us the story of his daughter, who came out of the mall
and was walking to her car when she noticed 2 older ladies in front of her.
Then she saw a police car come towards her with cops who said hello. She
also noticed that all 8 handicap spots in the area were empty. As she
neared her car she saw a man a few rows over calling to her for help. He
wanted her to close his passenger side door. He was sitting in the back on
the driver's side, and said he was handicapped. He continued
calling, until she turned and headed back to the mall, and then he began
cursing at her. In the meantime, she wondered why he didn't ask the 2 older
ladies, or the policeman for help, and why he was not parked in any of the
empty handicap spots. As she got back to the mall, two male friends of hers
were exiting, and as she told them the story, and turned to point at the
car, the man was getting out of the back seat into the front, and the car
sped away. DON'T GET CAUGHT IN THIS TRAP.

Part Two...

About a month ago there was a woman standing by the mall entrance passing out flyers
to all the women going in. The woman had written the flyer herself to tell about an
experience she had, so that she might warn other women.

The previous day, this woman had finished shopping, went out to her car and discovered
that she had a flat. She got the jack out of the trunk and began to change the flat. A nice
man dressed in business suit and carrying a briefcase walked up to her and said, "I
noticed you're changing a flat
tire. Would you like me to take care of it for you?" The woman was
grateful for his offer and accepted his help. They chatted amiably while
the man changed the flat, and then put the flat tire and the jack in the
trunk, shut it and dusted his hands off. The woman thanked him profusely,
and as she was about to get in her car, the man told her that he left his
car around on the other side of the mall, and asked if she would mind
giving him a lift to his car. She was a little surprised and she asked him
why his car was on other side. He explained that he had seen an old friend
in the mall that he hadn't seen for some time and they had a bite to eat
and visited for a while; he got turned around in the mall and left through
the wrong exit, and now he was running late and his car was clear around on the other
side of the mall.

The woman hated to tell him "no" because he had just rescued her from
having to change her flat tire all by herself, but she felt uneasy. Then
she remembered seeing the man put his briefcase in her trunk before
shutting it and before he asked her for a ride to his car. She told him
that she'd be happy to drive him around to his car, but she just remembered
one last thing she needed to buy. She said she would only be a few minutes, he could
sit down in her car and wait for her; she would be as quick as she could be.
She hurried into the mall, and told a security guard what had happened; the
guard came out to her car with her, but the man had left. They opened the
trunk, took out his locked briefcase and took it down to the police
station.

The police opened it (ostensibly to look for ID so they could return it to
the man). What they found was rope, duct tape, and knives. When the police checked her
"flat" tire, there was nothing wrong with it; the air had
simply been let out. It was obvious what the man's intention was, and
obvious that he had carefully thought it out in advance. The woman was
blessed to have escaped harm. How much worse it would have been if she had children
with her and had them wait in the car while the man fixed the
tire, or if she had a baby strapped into a car seat. Or if she'd gone
against her judgment and given him a lift.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life.
A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle.

I was going to send this to the ladies only; but guys, if you love your
mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it on to
them, as well. Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the
world we live in has a lot of crazies in it....better safe than
sorry.

PLEASE BE SAFE AND NOT SORRY! JUST A WARNING TO ALWAYS BE ALERT AND USE
YOUR HEAD!!!
---
raise

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher
went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration
and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family
expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's pay. There was
much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional
children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "having children is
an
'act of God!" Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room,
a
little old man stood up and in his frail voice said . . . . "snow and
rain
are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

---
Here is a very simple little test comprising of four questions
to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be
spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting
time. And no cheating.
Marks, set....GO!!!

1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner lying
in second place. In which position are you now?

Answer: If you answered that you're now coming first then you're
completely wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their
place, therefore you're coming second.

For the next question try not to be so dim.

2 : If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now
in?

Answer: If you answered second-last, once again you're completely
wrong. Think about it...How can you over take the person coming
last? If you're behind them then they can't be last. The answer
is impossible!! It would appear that thinking is not one of your
strong points. You would make a good weak link!!!

Anyway, here's another to try, don't take any notes or use a
calculator, and remember your replies must be instantaneous.
Take heart!! (that was the dictionary's suggestion)

3 : Take 1000. Add 40.
Add another 1000.
Add 30. 1000 again.
Plus 20. Plus 1000.
And plus 10.
What is the total ?

Answer: 5000??? Wrong again!!!! The correct answer is 4100. Try
again with a good calculator. Today is clearly not your day!!
Although you should manage to get the last question right...

4 : Marie's father has five daughters:
1. Chacha
2. Cheche
3. Chichi
4. Chocho
5. ????
Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?

Think quickly...you'll find the answer below...
Answer: Chuchu??? WRONG! It's obviously Marie! Read the question
properly!

You are clearly the weakest link....GOODBYE
---
How sexy is your name?

According to studies, the first letter of your first name
reveals your sexual identity ... What do you think?

-A-
You are not particularly romantic, but you areinterested in
action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what
you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be
bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure,
and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it
comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints.
Your mate's physical attrac tiveness is important to you. You
find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You
are passionate and sexual as well as being much more
adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around
advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your
primary concern.
-B-
You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being
romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive
gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You
want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You
are private in your expression of endearments and
particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off
until everything meets with your app roval. You can control
your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require
new sensations and experiences. You are willing to
experiment.

-C-
You are a very social individual, and it is important to you
to have a relationship. You require closeness and
togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner
before, during, and after. You want the object of your
affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You
see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very
sexual and sensual,needing someone to appreciate and almost
worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the
ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You
are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.
-D-
Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you
move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your
quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a
problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual,
passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement,
sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure
to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and
unusual, having a free and open mind.
-E-
Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good
listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be
intellectually stimulating or you are not interested
sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for
a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do
enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir
things up. You flirt a lot, for the ch allenge is more
important than the sexual act for you, but once you give
your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you
don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall
asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a
good look.)
-F-
You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a
pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You
are a flirt,yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are
sensuous,sexual,and privately passionate. Publicly, you can
be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic.
Dramatic lve scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You
can be a very generous lover.
-G-
You are crap in bed!

-H-
You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning
ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you
have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an
investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though,
you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and
equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a
sensual and patient lover.
-I-
You have a great need to be loved,appreciated...Even
worshipped.You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of
the flesh.You look for lovers who know what they are doing.
You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur
wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your
desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new
modes of sexual expression .You bore easily and thus require
sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than
sexual,but you are sometimes downright lustful.
-J-
You are totally f***ing marvelous!
-K-
You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love.
Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are
free in your expression of love and are willing to take
chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided
it's all in good taste.Brains turn you on. You must feel
that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise
you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You
require loving,cuddling, wining,and dining to know that
you're being appreciated.
-L-
You are very romantic, idealistic, andsomehow you believe
that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate
or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see
yourself as your lover's savior. You are sincere,
passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in
love. You really enjoy stimulating yourself, though you are
fairly new to it. You fantasize a nd get turned on by movies
and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life,
nor of your sexual fantasies.
-M-
You are emotional and intense. When involved in a
relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing
stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming
and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You
are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of
sexual energy is inexhaustible. You are very social and
sensual; you enjoy flirting and also enjoy mothering your
mate.
-N-
You need constant stimulation because you
bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a
time with ease. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are
willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of
sexual energy is inexhaustible.You are a flirt,yet once
committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual,and
privately passionate. Publicly, you can b e showy,
extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic
love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a
very generous lover.
-O-
You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive
and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your
sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You
can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a
passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same
qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you
demand intensity and di versity, and are willing to try
anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to
possessiveness, which must be kept in check.
-P-
You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't
think of doing anything that might harm your image or
reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a
good-looking partner.You also require an intelligent
partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your
enemy; A good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are
relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You a re willing to
experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very
social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal
of physical gratification.
-Q-
You require constant activity and stimulation. You have
tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to
keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an
enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of
other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers,
and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.
-R- for Rebecca!
You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need
someone who can keep pace with you and who is your
intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on
more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However,
physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have
to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy,
but you do not brag, you ar e willing to serve as teacher.
Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.

-S-
You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very
sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to
this.Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature
reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you
are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade,
can play any role or any game, and take your love life very
seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to
wait for the right person to come along.

-T-
You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you
like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and
romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not
tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you
are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You
enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated,
titillated, and teased. You a re a great flirt. You can make
your relationships fit your dreams, oftentimes all in your
own head.
-U-
You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not
in love, you are in love with love, always looking for
someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a
roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal
in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy
seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and
you desire instant r atification. You are willing to put your
partner's pleasures above your own.
-V-
You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and
excitement. You wait until you know someone well before
committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out.
You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him
tick. You are attracted to encentric types. Often there is
an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to
danger, thrills, and s uspense. The gay scene turns you on,
even though you yourself may not be a participant.
-W-
You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no
for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You
are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love
itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You
feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your
relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy
playing love games.
-X-
You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You
can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease.
You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love.
You can have the greatest love affairs,all by yourself, in
your own head.
-Y-
You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't
have it your way, you will forgot the whole thing. You want
to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out
too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking
and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring.
However, if you can spend your time making money, you will
give up the pleasu res of the flesh for the moment. You need
to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you
are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open,
stimulating,romant

Gawd forbid your name starts with Z - Apparently you would not be sexy at all.
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