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Saturday May 31, 08
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02:02 PM - Life is a no go today...
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I don't really know why people think that little things are no big deal. They are actually massive.
I haven't felt right for weeks. I keep having moments of being alright, which have allowed me to keep going, but every weekend, I am crashing and I can't stop myself from falling further and further into it.
I had a great night out last night, came home on the tube at a reasonable hour and thought I was quite happy. Got my diary out to do an update, and instead out poured all this angst and misery. I am an emotional wreck. Today I tried my internet at home as I've now been told my line has been down graded so I can use it again. It worked sporadically. Five minutes on, five minutes off. I called them, knowing it was pointless to do so, just to express my annoyance. The guy on the phone said, "I know how frustrated you must feel." After I hung up I thought, "No, you really don't" and just sat there sobbing. The whole day has been thrown off kilter. I don't know why. Is it because I have no internet? Is it deeper than that? I hope so... to plunge into a major low over internet connection is pretty lame... but then, this has been going on for over a year. I have to get a new line installed by Virgin and then I can have internet through cable. I will keep my BT line too as I have Sky, so it means paying an extra £15.50 a month. Might as well pay £20 a month and have Virgin TV as well as Sky. That way, if I find I like the Virgin package enough, I could ditch Sky... only I wont because I love the movies. Either way, I still end up spending more money that I don't have.
Don't really know why money seems to be such an issue at present. Oh well, needn't worry too much. I know He will provide for me on that score, so why panic, but still, it doesn't seem as readily available at present as it was. I just need to be careful and cut back. It's all a question of need.
Still, life does go on...
Last time I wrote I was excited about The Suedeheads appearance on Eggheads. We had a great day at BBC TV centre, and good fun in the pub afterwards. I can't say if we won or not as we're not allowed to, but I can say it will be worth a watch as I, naturally, looked stunning. We will be told the transmission date nearer the time and will let everyone know then.
http://s6.photobucket.com/albums/y206/Kitty3780/Eggheads%20-%2027%20May%202008/
The rest of the week has been one long drag of time running into other time, with no respite. I worked for ages on Wednesday, I felt like the day wasn't going to end. I'd woken feeling ill, as I have done every day for the past week. I feel like I haven't slept, like my head is not connected to my body, like I am some kind of non-person. That night I went for a drink with a friend. I was tired, but I'm glad I went. It took our friendship a little deeper. We are not so different after all.
The next day felt difficult too. Work seems really hard at present, like there is more to do than is physically possible and I don't know if it's me, if I have become less able, or if there is simply suddenly more stuff to deal with. After work I went for the first read through of the new play I'm in. I read well, but I think I have forgotten how to learn lines, how to remember queues, how to be a performer. I am sure it will be fine, but I fear I will fail somehow.
Then yesterday... Friday 30 May 2008. We wore wigs to work. We do it every year for no reason other than because we can. As usual my team did not join in. They never do.
http://s6.photobucket.com/albums/y206/Kitty3780/Wig%20Day%20-%2030%20may%202008/
Amazingly, I suit virtually all wigs. It is an odd skill to posses.
That night we went on to Bar Kick in Shoreditch, a very cool place with table football and delicious, but pricey, food. It was Da Manager's leaving do. She is going to Spain. How she intends to manage my performing career there is beyond me, but she will be back in September and, as I am working on two plays at present, will have timed it perfectly to start kicking me up the 'arris, in order to do something else.
http://s6.photobucket.com/albums/y206/Kitty3780/Da%20Manager%20leaving%20do%20-%2030%20May%202008/
I left at a reasonable time, but I was not right. I hadn't felt right all night.
Today I should have worked on my interview presentation. I have an interview on Monday for a job I really want, a pay rise I really need, a challenge I'd really like, but still... I did nothing. I did household chores, because I had to. My brain said I had to... and I cried and cried and cried.
Somehow I will get it together in time, but I must stop somewhere and have a break... I am falling and I don't know how to stop.
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Still, like the trains a lot.