Alright this is the end Of My Journal dayz of writing in my journal.. Jamie and Anna Have spoiled it.

Sad Numbnuts.

Right on!
There seems to be hope after all.After being suppressed under Bush heel.
Making people feel like the scum of the earth.
Not giving a shit who he stepped on all around the world.. Trying to make it HIS way. Not being a team leader and so making us feel embarrassed to be an American. So many have tried to make this work. So many lives that were taken.all since 1989, well a little before. Yet we got trampled without a care.

Right On! I am now happy to say
I am an American.This was the whole purpose to have a place where we all can be free from racism and suppression.

Team work baby!, Communication! Yes, this is what we need..We needed change.
He may not be a super hero but his presents alone gives hope.
A good speaker that can encourage to make things a little better and give us a better understanding on why we should give our money in taxes to The Government.
Although much is out of his hands really.
It would take literally a God.
Money is one thing that some, seem to have pocketed!
Amazing. Strength and power is what I wish Obama and the wisdom to know and understand what must be done.
For we the people are counting on him!
It was a great and wonderful Debate and Election.
All was done in all fairness. NO RECOUNT! haha (freaken Bush turned out to be The Devil after all)
Wow!.
I never thought I'd see this day.

Yet,If I were him, I would never have the courage to take up such a hard and heartbreaking sort of a job. our Economy has burst!
We are fortunate to have such a man with such courage.For it is not about Color. It is just about breathing!
I Hope for the best, Only his best.
No others expectations.

Not Our super hero sort of thinking..

"For no one man can cover the sun, with one" finger.

What a great thing to happen.. Especially at this time of such economical crises,voting and War war war war!..
http://www.imaginepeace.com/news.html

Yoko Ono began a project a long time ago in honor of John Lennon,
Such a Loyal women.

lol, I sure remember me not liking Yoko Ono when I was a little girl. As a child you tend to read very superficially and listen to what other adults have to say.Oh and I listened carfully! uggg
Unfortunately I was moved by many closed minded people..
People not accepting change, with little or no inspiration about life and careing for our earth, running with technology and such.
I was born in a time of much racism and I did get to see many things while growing up.
I was raised in the middle of East Los Angeles where we had terrible riots. Much oh so much Confusion!
I am a flower child. I suppose I find pride in that much. I was born in a time where History will always see as a time of change and transitions.

The Beatles were always a hit in my home. My mom loved Rock and Roll,I was growing up in the 70's Imagine..
"Imagine" is a song by John Lennon, which appears on his 1971 album, Imagine.

I was just a tater tot!:)
Yet, I remember my uncle Ralph going to vietnam.Then my eldset brother went to the Army in hmm 1974.. Vietnam was over. Thank God the sky the Air the trees the energy many of us had to be warriors.
I also can remember the times. Music, television, fashion..
I must have been in kindergarten.. Wow I remember sitting on the porch waiting for the mailman to get there so as to get the mail..haha I just remembered receiving that special letter with a picture of my uncle Ralph,, Ralph Masias. Very good looking uncle.. I knew he was a Hero!
lol
I guess I have always liked mail.
Now we have Computers!
And I have so much spam that It gets just as bad as sitting in front of the Tele now a days with a million commercials being forced into my brain! Uggg
I hate having soooo much propaganda..
But, I guess it is best to keep up then to have to ketch up! lol
Silly joke....
Anyhow, Now I have the privileged to keep Up with This wonderful artist Yoko Ono through myspace.. This was the reason John fell so in love with Yoko Ono. She has true passion strong willed and determined to make a statement.Her statements are oh just so easy.. so easily understood.. None of the beating around the bush sort of things.. Original yet no not original.. well yes but. easy to understand yet deep and easy to swallow. Nothing forced!...
I truly admire her for her Loyalty and determination to make us better human beings.
For wanting and hoping and being the Human being that is so needed.
We all need Inspiration ..
Inspiration and hope to move on.
I mean how terrible are we. We can bomb and destroy life and living so easily.
this earth can be destroyed easily by man now up to 5 times.. Yet we only need one push of a button..
What a sad sad world..
We are worse then animals. We want to kill each other.
**It takes Guts to be gentle and kind***..
Yes, Viva Morrissey, for that!

Power comes to those from with in. Not from being harsh and racist and arrogant and not careing There is power that can detroy and power that can inspire our souls..
It comes from love.
A special love that comes from adding all we have all our being and existence into this outer shell of skin,this motivation which is called Love.

I want to give Peace a chance..
Yes, I must hope and trust and walk in paths where many are learning oh so many things in life. Some good some bad....
I shall make it a point to share something special today, tomorrow and well always.. I shall try my best.I shall not give up. For I have learned so much in my life that. Yes It keep me grounded, somehow I am still here like a plant that has wilted needs water and I get it when things like this come my way..:)
I feel very happy and honored to know what I know,
today.

I take the cue from certain people I know!:)

http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=Imagine+peace+tower&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&resnum=4&ct=title

hmm
We cannot erase what should have been the future all along.
What was done had to be done.
I hope to have the courage for it all to be done.
Just done!
hmm Just Done?....:/
nooo
Done.

Yes. we have kept in touch.
I would have done almost anything to make things right.
Yet, it was best to do what had to be done.
we can be proud.

We have put ourselves in many situations just to make things that mattered then, fall easily into place.
It was bound to happen.
Some things just take time.
We may be regretful about making that certain move.
Yet, we had to and then try move on.
To make the best of it.
I feel I have, and it makes me, oh, so unsure.
Yet, the feeling I had then, well I realized a long time ago. That It has been unblemished, untouched and protected,by us.
It is deep in my heart of hearts, yes.
I ask myself why?
I always seem to believe
that I need time anyhow, Why?
When you talk about us. Getting serious.
I get so frantic.
All the bottles up feelings that have come in since seem to surf up. I remember the need of holding that unique feeling.
I have cried and I smiled about it.
I have Loved!
Yet,I let little things out that have been layered and stored on top of this confused heart.
Resentment, yes.
Seem to surface, first! Ugg
So, I shall dig and move and just try and let it all be chewed up and spit like bad seed.
It is happiness that I am sure we deserve.
What matters most,I feel that.
Yes so alive and comforting, yes Intact.
What I have stored deep in my heart should be the only thing to surface.
Yes,
It all can mend. Why,did I have to store it so deep?
What there is, is very special obviously.
It's a feeling of somethings very shiny small special and unique.
Like that pearl so talked about.
This is why,
I have always been a sucker for the little things.
Because most of the time they are,what really matters.
Yes I'd love to.
I know that it has been my strength
and what comforts me dayzz and nights.
Yes, it is deep ,stored, and yet alive.
I'm now afraid to lose it.
I just need your part in it to feel it is all ok.
I do live in a fairytale world and I am happy to have such an imagination.
But, it's time to make it real.
We both are most afraid of the "what if".
It is not really what if in a good sense?
No, Not I.
Yet,we know that I am in you and you are in me.
It is something small yet very special and unique that we have held it deep with in.
I know that just a spark can make a ray of light!.
One that can gives splendor and delight to many eyes and hearts.
But it has to be the exact mixture,
yes, we both have it.
As we experienced.
Can we, will we?
Are we to caught up in not giving it a shot?
C mere..because I still cannot move on. No matter what life has brought along the way.
What is unique has to prevail.

I'm mentally tired..

I have never been so tired.

Tired Of Life and living..

It can Only change , right Marisela?

It can get better and has , right Marisela?

I am far to focused on the negative...NOT a good thing..
I know me.

wow 7 years now...9/11

Amazing, how time flys..
7 years is a long time now..
5 was a lot..
and I barely have understood how and why and where and when and this and that.
I can almost remember her and not hurt so bad..
unless I remember.
I will always miss her.
She was so needed in my life..
and Obviously my brothers life..
He just now text messaged me to say that it is 7 years today..
He misses our mom A whole lot to! :(
He still is going through a rough time.
He said that Mom would have been proud of our kids. :)
I thank my lucky stars to have him!
Him and I have always had a special bond.
and I am sure that my sister Alma does to.
Because no matter how much time goes by.. when we see each other..
Well we really just take it from where we left off..
that is awesome..
Although I would say she is not to happy at this moment..
She even wrote me through Myspace!
haha
Anyhow..
I had a great day..
I love you Momma and I d hope you have seen our Kids...

This Morning I got to writing a dear friend I have back in San Diego..
His Name is Royer.. I truly love this guy.. As a true friend... We have no strings attached what so ever.. He was also born in Los Angeles and if you see us together it is very obvious.. We have that lil L.A attitude.. Which I am proud of.
He calls me, leaves me phone messages and can make me laugh and laugh. He also is often sad.
It may just be a Los Angeles affect.
  My head seems to be in shambles lately
and I have not been able to do much reading, writing or sketching. And I am just not being productive..
I feel my blood literally speeding through my vains from head to toe.. and It makes me very dizzy..
Roy brings a smile to my face.I have wonderful family. I guess we are all well.
Yet, I feel I can never ever be enough.Not a good feeling at all.I may need a doctors appointment.Uggg, I am findiing it hard to find a purpose that I would like to achieve..For nothing is bringing me much joy.For I have done a lot in my life and seem to be living on memories.Yet, It has been hard for me to laugh out loud as I can only remember the times. I am not one to put up a front.. I really never have had to play the "game"..
I have always been streight forward and march!
See I feel as if I am being given a option to live or to die. and I want both.
Like when someone yells at you calls you the worst names ever calls you Stupid! then Offers you French apple pie and ice cream... I love pie and ice cream...=(

Yes yes, all is going to be ok. For I know Life goes on.and I can make things happen.
Oh I shall be ok.. I am a worrier,And I can only remember, all I have been through.. All I have gotten myself out of.All for the sake of family.
Family is sooo important.. and we all just seem to be floating at the time..
Doing this that and well there is just not a home that I am proud of.
I keep hearing the words of my eldest daughter some years back..I had just seperated from my ex and rented a house in Chula Vista..
My prodigal daughter came back, and she sobbed and cried.. saying that "It felt like home."
I was so proud to hear her say that!
I guess it all goes back to when I was a kid.. I was the one putting ornaments on special occasions My family was nuts! and it all now just tadly reminds me of my family growing up..

Again, I lost it all.
I just hate being so wishy washy

How can I stop thinking this way!? When I remember being strong, Hell I think I may have even shifted the future! Not only in a bad way.. But mostly good.

Wow If only I could just fly!

I really need some refreshment to my soul..
Yet, I know that I could not possibly return to religion.Yet it scares me to be put in my place.. I hate to be forced! I do and I shall always believe that there is a God.I am not Atheist.
How could I be? How could I possibly deny it all.
The miracles.. There really was miracles....Wow
How could I possibly be so ungrateful.. God has been good to me. No doubt!.
Maybe my eyes could see so much back then.
Yeah I remember this time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtiXiYMS86U
Haha when I was a kid I squint my eyes to see particles in the air. when ever I would hear this song....
See...being into religion did help and I was able to grow up and see many things..
Yet it was always a struggle..and I hate constantly being a the same routine..
I am a Gypsy! I am not predictable..I like being spontanoius.. So why the shambles, dammit!
Well,
What I do not see as loving is the competition there is within religions, the separating of Ideas and families and condemnation they all seem to oppose to. Anything that this world can offer.I am talking about Achievments. Religions form a guilt trip that crushes our very most intellectual idea of making a rational move to better ourselves in this life.
Sad.
Yet, I am here writing this.There are just to many people to many Ideas, The I am smarter and wittier then you trip,yes the power trip.
I say live and let live.. yes, I like that saying..
I just had to write.
I am fed up of being so down about, how I was treated. Or how I am now.I must snap out of it.
Chop Chop! as someone just recently told me.
Yet, I just can never hate nor could I possibly send bad Karma to anyone. Unless they have commited the Mortal Sin..
I will never tolerate abuse.

So I was talking to my friend Royer.
He sent me a message saying things he would say and die for when he was a teenager growing up in the Barrio Of Los Angeles..He really made me laugh and think , but I know he is not well at the time.
His momma just passed away.. and he is feeling just as I did when my mom passed on. LOST!MAD yet hopeful.
What came to my mind to share with him were words written John Lennons words that I often turn to...

"People asking questions lost in confusion,
Well I tell them there's no problem,
Only solutions,
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind,
I tell them there's no hurry...
I'm just sitting here doing time,"

See there are only times when I feel there is only so much we can do.
As I, at this time.

I guess I will never be alright in my eyes.

I don't know, maybe there will be more memories that bring me happiness.

But I am not holding my breath.:)

Life is to short.. yet it just seems like forever for me.Just not short enough.. At this moment!
with my luck...I shall most likely live to be a 101!

Yes, my life is what I make it..
All I need is the strength!

literally!.=/

I just have to let it go.
See, what is up with....me!
Smile, shake the dirt and move on.. I have done this and will,
I must!.
I feel so so very bad about this. I just do not seem to care about myself. I can easily be taken advantage of.
Grrr so easy can I just be trampled walked on spit on.
metaphorically speaking.

My best to the loves of my life.
I don't have to many.
But they are HUGEMONGUS!

3 lovely freaks in Christmas hats smiling! Haha That is Ironic, believe me.

They have to be my inspiration once again.
and well have been. So, what the fuck marisela!?

I passed the freaken Test!

http://activerain.com/image_store/uploads/6/9/1/9/9/ar121070857599196.jpg/

Oh My Gosh, Just getting home...The Boys are safely with their mother.. I loved having them over and being able to have them in my life..
It is amazing how much one can love there family...

Wow It is crazy being at the airport.. They make you take off even your shoes...
and well I had some slip ons and I was barefoot while they checked us out...
It feel like a Violation!... Not so shabby.
  Well we went into the waiting area and I could tell Isaiah and Jeremiah were just nervous and confused...

Yet once they think about all they have done here...
Well I am hoping they will see all the fun we had...
It truly is amazing to see their love.
Ramon was hating it. Yet, by the time we got back to Anaheim the boys called to let us know they had gotten home safely...
Good Ol Southwest Airlines..

I cooked up a nice Dinner...I made some camarones a la diabla, some nice sauteed veggie and white rice..

We also have Suchi! Oh I love when you get that wasabi sensations In your nose and throat.:) yummmm
All In all Its been about Family today..

Oh yeah Ramon really needs to visit moms grave..
He really does! I hope he really considers it..
Well I do to come to think about it...

Wow we all got to looking at old pictures...

Anyhow Im off to bed it is late here....