Can my life get any stupider? Anything's possible. In my life, there's always been a potential for greatness instead of a manifestation of greatness. There's nothing great in my life---nothing worth bragging about anyway. I had oatmeal for dinner because I spent too much money. I made oatmeal for breakfast yesterday and it's going to be lunch and dinner as well. I had money a few weeks ago. I spent it all. I tell myself that I need to be sensible. I need to save money in case I need it for the future. The future is now and I'm broke. My next paycheck will be used for unpaid bills and taxes. I'll just eat grass like a cow. Food isn't important when one has bills to pay. I can't enjoy life if I have to have a job to live. My money doesn't stay in my wallet for long. It costs $45 to fill up my gas tank. My car is supposed to get good gas mileage, but I keep running out of gas every week. I want a car that can go 1000 miles on a full tank. There was a time, long ago, when I could survive with $20 a week. I could buy gas & food with $20. Well a 20 dollar bill may as well be a 1 dollar bill. It doesn't go far enough.

The idea of going to college and starting some kind of career doesn't seem real to me. I can only imagine it. There's nothing I want to do when it comes to working. I don't like working. I don't like being supervised. I just don't want to be bothered with people most of the time. I want to be able to go somewhere and not be bothered by the world and still have money to spare. Those that are wealthy have this luxury and some of them don't even realize how great it is. I mean, there are some people right now who don't have to work---ever. They inherited money from relatives who have had to work. And these guys will spend $100,000 on cocaine and hotel rooms. They don't have the imagination to do great things. They just want to sit in a hotel room and snort cocaine. What a waste of money!

This sickness I feel has gone on for years. I envy people who don't have to envy others. They can do whatever they want to do and the bills are paid. I try to make goals for improving my life. I write down my goals and I tell myself that if I do such and such I'll have money and I'll feel better. And then something holds me back from reaching my goals. I don't know how to explain it. I just don't know how to sustain the effort. My spirit slows down and then I STOP.

My legacy is: dead end jobs; no where life. I want to leave it all behind. I want more. I've always wanted to feel excited about living as if I was going on a fantastic journey. I want my life to be like a great song you can listen to forever. It's got a cool beat. You can sing and dance and not get tired. I want to stop being tired....

I want to believe what they say when they say you can be whatever you want to be. Just try. Just wish for something and you'll get it. You will. I love to imagine this great life I should have. I don't know how to get it. But I think about the end result and it's so wonderful. It's beautiful. I have a beautiful unreal life. And whenever I lose myself in the daydream of unreality, something happens: my alarm clock buzzes, the doorbell rings, my neighbor's lawnmower growls, or whatever. Something irritating wakes me up and I realize that I have to go to work, or get ready for work, or try to find another job that's more tolerable. My life is like a 10 year old computer. It's functional but outdated. I need an upgrade. I've been angry for all these years because I am surrounded by great things and wonderful events that I'm excluded from. All the good things seem to be on the other side of a thick, glass wall. I see it. I pound on the glass. I want it. I scream. No one hears me.