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Thursday April 24, 08
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06:45 AM - Good times for a change
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So...
I told my ex that I'm seeing someone else last night, and expected him to hit the roof (he's always felt intimidated by this guy, and he's still in love with me and wants us to try again). Instead he stayed very calm, we discussed everything and I cooked him a meal because we'd missed dinner. Then he went to talk to him and I was terrified about what would happen. An hour or so later they both turned up at my room, getting on like a hairdresser on fire, and they and a couple of our friends then spent the night watching Resident Evil and drinking beer together.
Bizarre.
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Tuesday March 04, 08
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07:10 AM - Oh well.
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So much for not having to wake up on my own anymore. The bastard's gone and let me down and I don't want to let him go but I promised myself that I'd look out for myself and that's what I'm trying to do. Why is life so complicated? The worst thing is, he lied to me about having done it and he was just so scarily convincing, I mean, really phenomenal at lying. That did really worry me because if he can look me in the eye and say "It wasn't me" when it was then how can I believe him if he looks me in the eye and tells me he loves me?
I know it's over, and it never really began, but in my heart it was so real.
Just another false alarm.
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Friday November 30, 07
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08:49 AM - Sunderland!!!
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You know when you open a webpage and one word just jumps out at you? Well, to open up Morrissey-solo and have the word 'Sunderland' jump out at you is very unexpected! I got my tickets this morning, and I just cannot wait!
I've performed on that stage!!! I will be able to say that I've performed on the same stage as Morrissey! Aaaaagh!
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Friday November 23, 07
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04:24 AM - I don't want to wake up on my own anymore...
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...and now I don't have to!
Looking back through my old journal entries always makes me smile because when I wrote them I never imagined that my situation would change, but of course it has! I've just read the one entitled "Valentines Day?" and it made me laugh because now I have someone and it is just as good as I imagined it would be! He is beautiful and lovely and kind and a truly charming man! I knew it would happen someday and now it has, hooray!
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Tuesday October 09, 07
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07:35 AM - Happy Happy Happy!
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I could not be happier. I have finally found a place that feels like home, people who feel like they know what I'm on about and a philosophy of life that I like being part of.
Plus, my tutors are Morrissey fans! Ha!
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Sunday September 16, 07
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06:19 AM - Love
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You know, I was looking through my old journal entries and I found this:
"I want to sit beside someone knowing that they understand who I am and love me for it."
Well, I have found someone! He's lovely and we get on so well, but it is completely and utterly platonic. It would be so wrong to see him in any way other than as a friend, and friendship is all I want from him. The thing is, no one else can understand. He is a lot older than me and he is married, and people get the wrong end of the stick, thinking one of us is after the other. If this was a film it would be OK, like in About A Boy or Educating Rita, but because this is real life people presume that something's going on.
You know, I'm going to stop looking for 'love' and stick with friendship, because it is so much better!
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Saturday September 15, 07
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09:06 AM - Found this in Poppycocteau's Journal!
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If you could be an underwater creature, what would you want to be?
A sea anemone. I would sit and say my name over and over again: sea anemone, anenome, ememmeny, nemmeny, ammemmeny…
If you had to sell your soul for one thing, what would it be for?:
If you could create your own documentary, what would it be about?:
Poverty. Not enough is being done and people are dying.
If you could only save one picture, which one would you save?:
My sister when she was little, wearing wellies.
If you could describe the perfect body, how would you describe it?:
It’s what’s inside that makes the outside beautiful. So the perfect body belongs to the perfect human being, if such a person exists. There are lots of beautiful bodies around though, if you close your eyes and look in a different way.
What perfume are you wearing?:
Tempted? By Ted Baker
If you could eliminate one habit of yours, what would it be?:
Twitching my ears.
If you could throw a party, what theme would you give it and who would come?:
Theme: A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Who would come? Everyone!
If you could create any one thing, no matter how expensive, what would it be?:
A cure for cancer and Aids
If you could make a new cereal, what would it taste like?:
Jam
If you could name the most important event of your life, what would it be?:
Just one? Nope, too hard!
If you had to torture someone, what would be your method of torture?:
Tickling their feet
If you were given a boat today, what would you name it?:
Ulysses
If you could re-colour something, what would you re-colour?:
My socks
If you didn't have to work, what would you do?:
Volunteer.
Name the five senses:
Love, Hurt, Happiness, Sadness, Love again
If you could tell your boss any one thing, would would you say?:
Frankly, Mr Shankly, I’m a sickening wreck.
If you could name the best song ever made, what would you pick?:
Predictably, There Is A Light That Never Goes Out.
If it was possible, would you choose to be blind for a day?:
Not really
What about deaf?:
No
If you could have one dream that you've had come to life, what would it be?:
People who I miss still being here
If you could give your parents one gift, what would you give them?:
Long Life. An actual gift? A house somewhere nice.
If you could choose the best instrument, what would you pick?:
Guitar!
If you could be given any one talent, what would you want?:
To be able to act.
If you died right now, what would be the first thing you'd want to see?:
?
If you could wear only one colour for the rest of your life, what would it be:
Purple. No, red!
If you could have one mate or many, would you choose the one or the many?:
In which sense? I’m gonna take it in the English slang sense and say lots and lots of mates, but if you mean it as in partner, then one.
If you could have written any one song, which one would it be?:
Blackbird by The Beatles
If you could be on any TV show, which one would you want to be on?:
Doctor Who!
If you could own any one business, what would you want to own?:
A bookshop
If you could bathe in anyone's dirty bathwater, who's would it be?:
Someone very clean.
If you could un-know any one thing you currently know, what would it be?:
That the world sometimes is a horrible place to be and that people sometimes aren’t very nice.
Would you have a face-lift?:
No no no no no.
If you had to name your single worst fear, what would it be?:
My family and friends dying.
If you could know how you are going to die, would you want to know?:
No
What do men want?:
Pretty much the same as what women want, I imagine.
What do women want?:
Pretty much the same as I want, I imagine: to Love and be Loved in return.
If you could be the king of something, what would it be?:
King of Hearts
If you could spend a million dollars at any one store, where would it be?:
Spar
If you had to die in a natural disaster, which one would you choose?:
The end of the world
If you could have been the actor/actress in any movie, what would you pick?:
Joan Fontaine in Rebecca: Laurence Olivier has never looked more beautiful.
If you could be invisible for one hour, where would you do?:
Get a spray tan
If you had to listen to a single song today 100 times, what song would it be?:
Something very short, so that the 100 times would be over quickly and I could go on to the next song
If you could initiate a new charity, what would be it's purpose?:
Campaigning for the removal of errant apostrophe’s
Who is the luckiest person in the world?
Me
If you could ask anyone any one question, who and what would you ask?:
Shakespeare, who is Mr W.H.?
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07:03 AM - Hold on to your friends
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Do you believe that it's possible to have a wholly platonic friendship? Just wond'rin...
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Thursday July 12, 07
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06:15 AM - Stuff
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Just got back from Swaziland, a group of us went from my school to do some work out there. It's put stuff into perspective, y'know. We left the shoes that we'd been working in and seeing the way they dived in and picked the ones they wanted broke my heart. I paid a fiver for mine, but it was like they were made of solid gold.
Sorry Moz, but you're no longer my priority. I'm sick of saying "Oh, I'm so sad" all the time, I don't wanna feel like I have to dislike my life to fit in with you. I've felt weird since I came back because I can see how much I've got. These kids have nothing, but they can smile. They could be dead within a few years, the HIV/Aids rate is about 50%, but they can be happy if they have some food and a football. What right do I have to complain about anything?
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Sunday April 22, 07
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09:17 AM - Hold on to your friends...
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If I'm honest, I haven't really listened to The Smiths properly in ages. Then last night I tuned in to hear "Salford Lad" on Radio 2 and I realised how much I missed Morrissey. When it finished I lay in awe on my bed and listened to my favourite songs over and over again, as loud as I could stand it. The only way I can descibe it is relief, it was like seeing an old friend again. It struck me again, how much I feel understood when I'm listening to them. He's writing about me, I don't have to be anyone other than myself, he knows what it feels like. How can it be possible for songs to save your life?
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