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Tuesday September 01, 09
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02:17 PM - I can't do it.
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i tried.
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Monday April 20, 09
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01:32 PM - I'm falling back in
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I'm hurting so much, i've been under alot of stresses latly, everything is just going wrong right now and it's all happening at once.
I feel it in my heart, the pain, like my blood has turned to tar so it's difficult to move.
Mark has a song called The Drugs Do Work about how his medication has made him stable and so much better, it's made me think about trying anti-depressants again. I'm just so terrified they're gonna stop me working again, my jobs still one of the only good things in my life and being good at it is pretty much the only thing i've got that makes me feel good about myself. I need to keep working.
I'd have to keep myself even more tightly controlled then i do now to make sure i don't start taking days off or slacking, i'm just not sure i've got the energy to get through it right now. I'd have to be blunt with the doctors, say i don't want just increasing dosages, i want to find one that actually works if there is one.
I'm getting the urge to cut so desperatly again. I used to be able to push it right down, i've got rid of all the sharp things i own barring one vegetable knife but there's so much pain and i still remember how good it feels, how it calms me down, gives me release.........
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Monday April 06, 09
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03:19 PM - I've lost the will to write
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There's so much i wanted to tell you all over the past few months but i just log on and look at the blank screen and i just can't.
I'll start where i left off, jon left me, it hurt so much but as the days past what hurt more was how little my life had changed now he was no longer in it.
He had been making no effort to see me or speak to me for months, i began to realise sub-consiously i had known this was going to happen for some time. I felt guilty, like i should be hurting more but in a way i had been without him alot longer then i really thought. i spent every night alone, he wouldn't spend more then 5 minutes on the phone and he'd say he'd call me back but he never did. My imsomnia came back and i started drinking alot coz it made the nights go by quicker. My life didn't change, there as no void where he used to be and i felt guilty for that, for not hurting more, as if it somehow meant i didn't love him when i know i did and was truly ready to give the rest of my life to him.
The smart ones among you will have noticed that i put "when i know i did" instead of 'do' yes i am over him, i still think of him somtimes, in a what might of been sort of way but do i wish we had stayed together? not the way things were, it would of hurt alot more.
So, i don't know if i told you, i met a girl called Annie a few months back and i ran into her on the way to buy more drink to begin another sleepless night and she invited me to an open mic night her boyfriend runs. I figured it was better then staying in drinking myself to death and kicking myself over throwing away my precious stanley knife. I went and it was great! proper relaxed sort of thing with actual musicians playing proper music instead of kids who thought they were cool. Got talking to one of them, guy named Mark who was a good friend of Annie's. he plays funny songs with very strange lyics, there's one about how he's actually a hampster who wants to take over the world. Anyway, we spent that first night discussing whether potatoes have souls which was a very welcome releif for me since the only conversation i was getting from jon at the time was 'i can't come see you coz i'm working/can't talk coz i'm cooking/ect' we had alot of good conversations over the next few weeks, it was really refreshing having somone who i could actually talk philosophy and metaphysics with after so long.
When jon dumped me he was there, he listened to me get all depressed and vent my pain which at the time i was doing a hell of alot of.
A few weeks past and we were all just getting ready to leave and he turns to me and says "so i like you" the conversation went somthing along the lines of
him- so i like you
me- um, what?
him- i like you, alot, but i realise you've just broken up with somone and you havn't told me you like me back
me- Sorry um, i didn't remember us having this conversation
him- no we havn't, but i do like you but if you think it's too soon that's fine i understand or if you don't like me that's fine we can just be friends
As you may of noticed, he's very blunt, he has Schizoaffective disorder (simplistically, it's schizophrenia that also effects your emotions) so he has certain views and ways of behaving that are erm.... different to most people. Now i know what your thinking, intelligent, intense mental illness, right up my street yeah? and you'd be right. At the time however i did think it was too soon, it had only been 3 weeks since jon dumped me and as i said, i was still feeling guilty about not being completely broken-hearted. I told him i wanted to wait coz it was still too soon and i didn't want to hurt anyone and he smiled and said it was fine, the amazing thing was he meant it.
I walked around in a daze for a few days wondering if i should give it a try, i was well aware he could turn out to be a rebound i mean come on, going from a guy with a degree and a life plan to a guy who's job discription is "i make up songs and then i play them" it was way too obvious for me to go for someone who was the complete opposite of jon. So i thought about it, and i talked to a few people, all of which told me to stop being stupid and go for it. I had this theory that since we had only ever seen each other in a group of people maybe we should spend some time on our own, however i couldn't think of a way to txt that to him so after about 3 hours of thinking i came up with "do you like picnics?" he does, so we organised to meet in cholsey where he lives (a few stops on the train from reading, takes about 20 minutes) he brought his dog, we were just heading out when the heavens opened which soon put an end to that plan. Luckily his flat was nearby so we had an indoor picnic. As for what happened next i have a really good excuse ok?
he has his record player in his bedroom and he'd just got a whole load of new records so i was sitting on his bed looking through them and he was sitting on the other end looking through them and we were talking about music and then..... yeah so um, stuff. Was cut slightly short due to the lack of condoms though which at the time i was really pissed off about but looking back on it now i like to think it shows he wasn't expecting anything to happen that day.
It's been going well for almost a month now, Ant says he's never seen me happier, including when i was with jon and i feel it. He meets me after work and stays over atleast 3 times a week, the days he doesn't he txts me asking how my day's been, i feel wanted and needed and cared about like i hadn't felt with jon for so much longer then i even realised. I feel like i'm actually in a relationship. There are some problems ofcourse, but they can wait till another night, Ive bored you all enough for now.
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Sunday February 22, 09
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12:31 PM - He left me
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He was meant to come round tonight and he did, he even brought me the butter i asked for but he didn't even sit down, just told me he didn't love me anymore and didn't see a future with me anymore.
He was the one that was always talking about moving in together and haveing kids, he was the one talking about what our wedding would be like i was never into that shit but i wanted to move in with him, i want to be with him and he's gone.
Everything that's happenned to me, getting lied to, cheated on, all my life i've been less then shit to everyone i care about and nothing has ever hurt me more then hearing him say those words.
Even while it was happenning i thought i was dreaming, i thought i would wake up and i wouldn't be happenning i want to call him and get him to say it's not real i want to beg for him back, beg him to stay with me, i want him to change his mind and any minute he's gonna be at my door again telling me he couldn't go through with it i just want him to come back to me.
I've had dreams, latly i've had dreams about him doing it but it was never like this, it was never like this and i didn't truley believe hewould but he has and my heart is being ripped out of me!
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Saturday December 27, 08
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12:57 PM - Alone, Alone, forever more.
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My cat's not here.
I have a kitten now, she's almost 12 weekd old and tortoishell, i'd tell you her name but it doesn't translate into english well, it's the ancient greek word for 'friend'
Anyway she's not here, I'm taking Jon away for his birthday and David from work is taking care of her while i'm away. I know he'll look after her well but she's not here and i'm all alone and i can hear somone upstairs and they're moving about and talking and i'm scared coz they're here, in my house and they might talk to me and she's not here and i'm all alone.
It was ok when she was here coz she used to curl up with me and purr and i knew she loved me and when i heared people i could stroke her and it made me feel better, i couldn't let anything happen to her, i'd protect her from all of the bad things but now she's not here and there are people and noises and i'm all alone and she's not here and i'm fucking terrified.
The screaming's all in my head
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Monday November 24, 08
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05:12 PM - Regrets, i've had a few, but then again, too many to mention
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I just got a txt from my sister, lee tried to add her on facebook. She wasn't sure if it was actually him so i went on to check. Seeing him again, it was so, so, well i really don't know how to describe it.
I looked at a couple of his pictures and he's had a baby, i felt happy for him, he was always putting pressure on me, making me feel guilty for not wanting one coz no one in his family had, had a kid past 25 so his biological clock was ticking.
At the same time though i have to admit i felt..... jelous when i saw them, that another girl had his child, not because i wanted to, well, i guess part of me did, but because i know that he's never leave her now, he's bound to her forever in a way i so desperatly wanted him to be bound to me back then.
As i looked at the pictures i realised i was getting a flash of the life i could of had, was going to have. There was never any question. We were gonna be together, move in together and get married at some point and raise a child just like he always wanted, i had no dreams, all i wanted was him and nothing else mattered enough to make me question where my life was going.
The worst thing is i would of been happy. I didn't know any better, i didn't know about uni and real jobs and being able to afford what i need. These things were for other people, they didn't exist in my life and ofcourse nothing existed outside london anyway so i could never leave. So i would of lived it, signing on to get food, child benefits, i probebly wouldn't of worked a day in my life and never even thought about it. Spent my days with him and our baby, being the dutiful wife he always wanted and having a huge family to support me whenever needed. His family where there for their own whenever and whatever happened and i could of been part of that, secure and safe.
Looking back at it now, from where i am, as who i am now, the whole time, the person i was, the two years that i spent with him, they seem like a distant dream, like they never really happened and now i'm feeling echoes of the intense emotions that were all i felt then.
If i think about that life now, i wouldn't even consider it, i would never be able to have a life like that. I have dreams and ambitions, i'm actually gonna DO somthing with my life and at the end i'm gonna know i didn't waste it.
If i met him now, i wouldn't give him a second look, talking to him for more then even 5 minutes would irritate me, i could never imagine him taking my whole heart the way he did.
Morrissey was the one who clawed it back from him, he made me fall in love again without even realising it and before i knew it, just listening to him sing meant more then seeing lee ever could.
Look at me now, i have my own flat which i pay for myself, i have a great job which i do well and i'm out of the place that was killing me which i also did alone. I used to think i could never survive on my own, that i couldn't do anything by myself but look at the now.
I have no regrets.
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Friday November 14, 08
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01:26 PM - You knew I couldn't keep away
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Truth is i've just lost the will to write, dunno why, i always think of things to write but then when i get home i can't be bothered.
The job's going really well, one more course and i'll be a fully qualified optical assistant, that's a really big thing for me. My trainer keeps saying how it's so great i'm so interested in everything and always want to know more, i don't think he could ever understand how much it means for this stuff to come so easily to me. The money i have is that which i've earned for myself but that's not why i'm doing it, i enjoy every day i'm there because people respect me and my knowledge and everything i do is somthing that's actually WORTH doing. I feel like i accomplish so much everyday and i've never felt anything like this before.
My contract ends at the end of this month and i've decided i spend way too much on laundrettes and bus passes so i've found somwhere that's only a 10 minute walk from work (that's atleast another half hour in bed each morning) it's twice the size of the place i have now and it has a washing machiene which is gonna save me loads. The landlord's also given me permission to have a cat which is amazing, i know having somthing around me all the time that loves me will help with the bad feelings.
Speaking of the bad feelings, i had an episode the other night. I had been feeling one comming for a few days, i guess it had to boil over. I was just watching somthing and for some reason it wasn't making sense, i was getting so confused and almost before i knew it i was panicing and crying my eyes out. I knew if i cut i would feel better, that the only reason i was feeling like this in the first place was because i wasn't cutting but i knew i was seeing Jon this weekend and i didn't want him to see anymore stitches. Part of me knows it's not true but i'm still convinced that he'll think i'm ugly and stop loving me if i get more scars then i already have.
So i didn't cut, instead i did somthing much worse, the one i thing i promised i'd never do.
I called Jon in tears.
I know you probebly think that's a good thing, that it shows i trust him, even with my most intimate parts but all i see it as is dragging somone i love into my depression. I upset him, i made him worry and it hurt him to see me how i was, i hurt him and for that it's going to be VERY hard to forgive myself.
Anyway so i called him and told him i was upset and panicing and that i couldn't calm myself down. I didn't have to ask, he left where he was immediatly and drove over.
He listened to me talk random crap for awhile and then held me all night.
Anyway i don't wanna talk about bad stuff anymore. My life is getting better and i wanna celebrate that.
In that light i've decided i'm taking a little trip, a guy came in a few weeks back and mentioned he goes to Egypt alot so i started saying how i've always wanted to go but never had the money and he started saying how actually it was really cheap and told me about this really great deal he found so when i got home i figured there was no harm in looking. I'm going next april for 14 days and flights plus hotel (bed and breakfast) is costing me a grand total of £418!!!!
I wanted to go on my own, since i've wanted to do this trip for 6 years atleat but my dad and Jon are getting all worried incase i get arrested or kidnapped but if i go with somone i'll have to comprimise on some things and after so many years of wanting to go i'm really not prepared to do that.
My trainer, let's call him David now, I'll use his name from now on coz we've got past the general work thing to somthing that vagely resembles friendship. It's difficult though, he's very guarded.
Anyway, he's said he's wanted to go to Egypt for ages aswell so i started telling him all the things i wanted to do and he was as excited as i was so it's an option, nothing's been decided yet though.
As for news that's about it for now, this was fun, i'm gonna try and write more again.
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Thursday October 02, 08
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02:34 PM - This is really hard for me to write
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because only half of me really wants to.
It's been so long since i cut, so, so fucking long and i'm really feeling it.
I been getting constant anxiety attacks latly and i know that's why.
Part of me, a part that's growing by the second just wants to cut so deep it'll start gushing but i've got things to live for now, i've got my job, somthing that actually makes me feel good about myself and Jon who loves me, no, to be truthful to myself that's why i'm trying to stop myself. Though he's never shyed away from me before when i've had stitches i always feel like he'll be repulsed by them. It's so stupid when the only reaction he's ever had is when i cut and didn't tell him, i mentioned it in passing a few weeks later, i didn't think it was important coz it was just a few scratches but he got really angry, saying he was just wondering why he was beiong told now instead of at the time. I don't wanna loose him. The rational part of me knows i won't but the rest of me is fucking terrified. Of everything, everything's been scaring me latly, the smallest things have been stressing me, any excuse is what somone used to call it and yeah, you know what i am looking for a fucking excuse because i fucking NEED one! this isn't an 'oh i'm so depressed boo hoo' type thing, this is a yeah everything's actually going well for once but i fucking NEED it scream. I'm fucking screaming coz i wanna make sense of it all.
If everything's going well why am i drinking every night to quell the panic enough for me to get some sleep? why am i really considering grabbing my kitchin knife and severing my wrists properly while at the same time calculating if i'll be able to get to work tomorrow if i spend all night in hospital? IT'S NOT RIGHT! THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!
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Tuesday September 02, 08
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12:55 PM - I never thought about it before
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I just watched this documentry about a school for kids with behavioural and emotional difficulties and i recognised so much of what the kids were saying. They didn't interview them or anything, it was just filming everyday-type things so you got to hear the truth.
It made me really think about the double standards society has for children.
When i was their age i could of really used the type of support they were getting. I mean i had no friends, no one in my year liked me because i was so different and had no real idea how to interact with other children. I got quite quickly that i was female and was therefore meant to act like a 'girl' but i had no idea what that meant and it confused me, i felt really insecure and akward about it but instead of acting out i withdrew into myself.
I thought of acting out somtimes, i saw the way the teachers noticed those kids that did, and when they did somthing well the teachers were always really pleased and gave them loads of praise and everything.
They didn't even know i was there most of the time, i remember when i was like 5 or 6 years old i'd make myself cry as only young children can just so get noticed. I'd tell them it was about my mum dying, that meant even less to me then, then it does now but it was somthing i knew that would make them stay with me for a bit.
When supply teachers came i actually used to go over and tell them i had a sore throat or somthing so i wouldn't be talking much, i dunno what i thought it would of accomplished but i did it every time i met somone knew They wouldn't of noticed anyway, i know that now.
Why would they? sort out the kids who are acting out, they need the help or dicipline or whatever you wanna call it, who's gonna notice somone quitly sitting in the corner?
I'm not saying the ones who are acting out don't somtimes need help, i'm just saying that most of the time it's attention-seeking behaviour which the teachers are catering for by pandering to it all the time. If anything the kid that's running about and screaming is, to me looking more 'normal' then a kid at that age sitting quietly in a corner by choice. If i saw a 6/7/8 year old choosing to read a book at playtime instead of running around and playing i'd immediatly wonder what's up but they didn't, i'd say they just let me get on with it but the truth is they didn't even notice.
If we ignore all the other factors, high-crime area, living on council estates, mixing with wrong people, ect i'm willing to bet almost certainly that those kids will now have better mental health then me but what did i get?
It just makes me think how different my life could of been if i had 'shown signs' as they call it and taken my frustrations out on everyone else instead of inside myself but i was always so scared, i saw these other kids doing it and all i thought was i'd never get away with that, people would of hated me if i'd done that. That's why i've kept my depression and self-harm a secret from so many people, the only people who know how bad it is are Jon (hard to keep self-harm from somone who sees you naked) Siobhan and Frankie but even with them it's only the self-harm they know about. Whenever i have an episode i'll NEVER call them or even let them know it happen if i can avoid it. I trust them completely but i know, well i say i know but i KNOW that they'll leave me because i'm not worth the effort, the effort no one's ever taken over me.
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Tuesday August 19, 08
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11:34 AM - How do I feel? I've been here before, I've felt this
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Retreat to a place, a place within me
I need this. Keep it all down, bottled inside
It breaks me to torment again and
Torture me like it used to"
Change- Staind
It's true what's been said, good things have happened, lots of them but still i'm laying here feeling the same pain that i've felt for years, still thinking about it.
In the morning meeting at work i thought about running out the door, and to just keep running. But why? the job's good, i'm good at it (which isn't somthing that's easy for me to say) and still i thought it.
I'm still thinking about that stanley knife i left in halls, i know it was definatly for the best but the itch is there, it's been so long.....
I can't carry on like this, i'm gonna talk about happy things, maybe it'll make me feel better.
I spent the weekend in Wales with Jon at Gwyl Pontardawe Festival (little Welsh Folk festival) where it rained, ALOT. When we were pitching the tent it was still reletivly sunny, we were even able to make food before it started pissing down, and i'm talking fucking SHEETS of rain. So we decided to stay in and drink, then more drink, then Jon went bed coz he had too much drink and i stayed up talking to his mates. One of them, Paddy, i got an interesting vibe from. He'd mentioned revenge quite a few times throughout the day, talking about how great it was and that and earlier on, after i'd had a few i lost pretty much all my tact and asked him who he was really trying to hurt. When somone's that into the revenge idea they're so obviously just sub-consiously trying to get back at somone who they never got a chance to at the time, he shut up after that. A bit later Jon and his mate started talking in Welsh so me and Paddy did a sort of mock-offended storm out coz we couldn't understand them and i used the oppertunity to talk some more to him, i got pretty quickly that he couldn't talk about what actually happened but that was ok coz i wanted him to focas on getting over it anyway, i think i made him see there was a way out.
Jon always gets really loved-up when he's drunk (which is nice) and kept saying how great it was that i was there and how much he was enjoying us just sitting there enjoying the music.
The next day we woke up and kicked his mates out for a little 'tent time' of our own and then spend most of the day at his dad's house to hide from the rain, came back to find our tent COMPLETELY flooded, which was nice. Luckily Jon volunteers with the st. johns ambulance (charaty-run ambulance service) and they had this bunker-type thing which they let us sleep in, it had a radiator :)
We had to wait untill 3am when they finished their shifts to get in though so we had a few more drinks and watched music all night, he kepy trying to get me to dance, now i am really NOT a dancer but he kept looking at this couple slow-dancing with their arms around each other so i gave in, to tell you the truth it was kinda nice.
The last day we pretty much gave up on the festival and packed up, the tent was a swimming pool and all the food was wet so we headed back to his dad's for a really good roast lunch.
Spent the day going round to see all the people he doesn't get to see now he's moved and he would not stop apologising for it! like i'm gonna begrudge him seeing his family, come on, i mean yeah it would of been nice to have some more alone time with him but he really misses Wales and i understand that, i fucking miss the place when i'm not there and i never lived there!
I know he's gonna move back there at some point and i'm kinda thinking of going with him, not WITH him i mean, just going to live there two. It's just such a beautiful place, i want to wake up and see it out my window everyday
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