realitybites (13041)

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Journal of realitybites (13041)

Saturday August 12, 06

I still care about my journal...

04:27 AM

I value it. It helped me cope with some very difficult moments in my life. I actually feel a bit saddened that I don't feel as free in my writing any longer. I'm no longer anonymous. It is not that I fear any real repercussions from anything I write. It just seems as if I must monitor myself now--especially because I have others to consider.

But my failure to write about my fears and desires lately has resulted in me stuffing all these emotions. I don't like to talk about things with others. I keep my problems within my small family circle. And there are things I don't even share with them.

I do have a wonderful, new creative outlet at the moment though--COLOURlovers. I am so thrilled with it that I have little desire to spend time at other websites right now.

So for the time being, I will be expressing myself through colour more often than through words.

It feels weird that I no longer feel infatuated with Morrissey. And that I am no longer being insulted by deranged trolls. I am a snake that has shed her skin--thrown out the old and am trying to get used to a new way of being.

I welcome change though. In fact, I crave it. I can't imagine a static life where everything was the same year after year. That is simply too dull of an existence to me. It doesn't mean that I want to live in chaos either. Right now I am enjoying the reality that my world is pretty stress-free right now. And it seems that the good majority of the problems I do have, are created by me.

I am not easy to love--I know this. I have a hard time liking myself sometimes, so why should anyone else like me?

Well, looks like I may have lied a bit. I did write about my feelings after all. Oh, I won't ever let go of my journal completely. My journal is me. It is mine. And no one can take that way from me--not even me. It's a force unto itself.

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  • That was very touching, rb. I sometimes feel like you; in the beginning I felt more free with my journal, but now there are things that I want to say but I can't bring myself to do it...sometimes I feel as though it is a chore to write in it and when I question why I do actually write in it I can't come up with any answers.

    Sometimes I think I'll give up on solo completely because some of the things are so hurtful to read on the main pages- even when they're not aimed at me.

    Perhaps I should focus my attention on my book, but I'm finding it very difficult to write at the moment and am thinking that it is not going to work out.

    I have always enjoyed your journals- I think it is because I feel I am getting a sort of honesty through them. You express yourself well, and I feel that there is no pretentiousness within your entries. Keep them up. :-)
    Wilde is on my side -- Saturday August 12 2006, @01:52PM (#231348)
    (User #13955 Info)
    I am the meek, I am the righteous, I am the Morrissey fan.
  • I completly understand.. I also have been through it.. But at some point I figured freak it! and started to write what was on my mind or things that come to mind..
    poem Ouotes I love.. So much.. about my family...
    I have also come to the conclusion that I am I..:)
    So good to see you opened up sweety.. and I hope you and the family are doing great...

    Indeed keep writing!!

    this is a way out:)
    Ciao bella...
    Marisela -- Saturday August 12 2006, @05:11PM (#231358)
    (User #1865 Info)

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