Things are still not going well.My uncle had been in the hospital for a while.They told him he needed heart surgery.They then told him they couldn`t do it because it was too risky.So they sent him home.Today my mom went to pick him up to take him to run some errands.He went back inside to put the phone away.While she was outside waiting for him he collapsed.She was waiting and waiting for him so finally she went inside to see what happened.She tried to save him and called 911.They tried to save him at the hospital but it was too late.His heart gave out on him.He`s gone now.My mother is devastated.I can`t believe it.I actually thought he would be okay.I know he`s been sick and he has been for a long time.It just seems so sudden.I just worry so much about my mother now.She is taking it pretty hard.This has been a pretty awful year with my grandma going in October and now my uncle.And it has been hard for me with all my new health problems.This has been a pretty awful year.
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            Life Is Never Kind,Life Is Never Kind
                                  ~Morrissey~

Grandma`s memorial service was last week.Lots of people came by to say goodbye.I felt so bad for my grandfather.He just looked so sad.He told my sister he can still feel her beside him.The family have just been keeping him company.My sister saw the bandage on my arm at the service.She just told me to promise I wouldn`t do that anymore.

I had surgery on monday.I am at home recovering right now.It was only outpatient surgery.I am still in a bit of pain.They told me it would take a little bit of time to recover.I am grateful now that it least it is mostly all over now meaning the doctor`s appointments and all the tests.I just can`t wait to be rid of this pain.I do thank God though at least I got through it okay.My mom has been taking care of me.I owe her big time and love her very much.I am lucky to have her.

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    Things Have Been Bad
            ~Morrissey~

My grandmother had not been eating.She was in a lot of pain.She passed away this morning.We are all very sad.

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Oh Mother I Can Feel The Soil Falling Over My Head
                              ~The Smiths~

I have been having bad heartburn pains since sunday.By wednesday I coudn`t stand them any more.They hurt so much that my Mom and Dad had to take me to the emergency room.They took some blood from me.Then they gave me some medication to drink to see if that would help me.When that didn`t help they gave me an IV and that did help me.They were all very nice to me but when the nurse was looking at my arms to put the IV in I got embarrassed.She asked me about the scars on my arms.I had to tell her that I cut myself.She asked me when the last time I did it and if I was getting any help for it.I told her was.They told me I had acid reflux and gave me a prescription for it and I have to see some other doctor on tuesday.I just hope that pain doesn`t come back.

I have not been feeling well lately both physically and mentally.I have been having really bad stomach pains after I eat.It really ,really hurts.The mental part is I`ve been feeling super depressed.At night I just cry in my room because I don`t want to cry in front of anyone.Everything hurts so much.I`m just so tired of all this.

My Dad also told me today that my Grandmother may only have months to live.So that really made me sad.I really hope that`s not true and she gets better.

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  I`m feeling very sick and ill today
                          ~Morrissey~

My mom had to practically force me out of the house on friday.She asked me if I wanted to go to the movies.I said I didn`t feel like it.She got angry with me and said your going to end up in the nut house if you keep acting like this.

We went to see my granmother after the movies and the art store.I just found it so hard to go into her room and see her.I always find situations like this very difficult.I don`t know why.Anyway I did go in and see her.Everyone is worried about her because she does not want to eat.I said I would make her some soup because she was always telling me how she loved my cooking.I really hope she gets better.

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    Trouble Loves Me Seeks And Finds Me
                          ~Morrissey~

Things are not going to well.They took my grandmother back to the hospital this morning.She`s not doing very well at all.She doesn`t want them to do anything else to her.She just wants to come home.

Saw my psych on wednesday.We had a pretty good session.Mom saw the bandage on my arm and she got angry with me.But later on we started talking like nothing happened.We always talk in the car we have some of our best talks in there.I don`t know what I`d do without her.She keeps asking me if I`m still throwing up because I`ve lost some weight.I told her I haven`t done that in a long time.

My grandma is not doing too well.She had surgery last week.Before she had been saying that she feels like she doesn`t have a lot of time left and she feels like it`s her time.She is in a lot of pain right now and I just feel so bad for her.My dad feels really bad about it too because of course it`s his mother.My Mom has lost both of her parents some time ago.My grandpa died os stomach cancer and my grandma died of a heart attack.

Me and my psych had a good talk.I did tell him about my grandma.I told him I have been working on the volunteering at the shelter.We haven`t been able to get in contact with them so we were just going to drive over there and see if they need volunteer`s.He also wants me to work on the driving thing.He just wants me to sit behind the wheel for five minutes and try to move on from there.I told him I would try.

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                ...one flew east,one flew west,
                One flew over the cuckoo`s nest.

I gave in again I cut myself two days in a row.I cut myself eight times.My cuts look pretty nasty.I hate my ugly scars but I just keep doing it.Why won`t I stop?Because it helps too much.It just makes everything go away for a while.Then I must do it again.Again and again.

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  Where I go I Just Don`t Know

    ~Red Hot Chili Peppers~

Happy birthday Morrissey.Love you and all of your music.

Love,Tibby