I`m not sure when I accepted that I will never have some things in life that most people have.I just have accepted that fact.I don`t know if that`s giving up or being realistic.I know it`s mostly my fault.I was always too scared of everything.Afraid of rejection and afraid of being judged by other people.I was/am always scared of being hurt.That is a terrible way to live.
This illness certainly hasn`t made things easier.I have my bad days and I have my okay days.But it`s really difficult to deal with this a great deal of the time.I go from feeling really sad and wanting to cry about everything to not being able to feel anything.At those times I feel really empty and numb.Then sometimes I also have to deal with being hypo manic.Sometimes that feels good and I just want to do everything.Those times have been few and far between.I mostly deal with the depression side of this illness.At times I haven`t any motivation and have a hard time getting of bed.I don`t want to go out or anything I just want to stay in bed.Then there`s the thoughts that torment me.They just like to tell me about every bad thing that could happen.They bother me the most at night when I am trying to get to sleep.Sleep is another story.I haven`t been able to get to sleep without meds in a very long time.
Sometimes I wonder what my purpose in life is.I feel like I don`t matter.I wonder why I was put here on this earth.Sometimes I hate myself because they`re are other people who have it worse that I do.What right do I have to feel this way.I know this illness isn`t my fault but I can`t help feeling that way.I want to feel better and get on with life but sometimes I can`t see the light at the end of the tunnel.Anyway where do I start?
This illness certainly hasn`t made things easier.I have my bad days and I have my okay days.But it`s really difficult to deal with this a great deal of the time.I go from feeling really sad and wanting to cry about everything to not being able to feel anything.At those times I feel really empty and numb.Then sometimes I also have to deal with being hypo manic.Sometimes that feels good and I just want to do everything.Those times have been few and far between.I mostly deal with the depression side of this illness.At times I haven`t any motivation and have a hard time getting of bed.I don`t want to go out or anything I just want to stay in bed.Then there`s the thoughts that torment me.They just like to tell me about every bad thing that could happen.They bother me the most at night when I am trying to get to sleep.Sleep is another story.I haven`t been able to get to sleep without meds in a very long time.
Sometimes I wonder what my purpose in life is.I feel like I don`t matter.I wonder why I was put here on this earth.Sometimes I hate myself because they`re are other people who have it worse that I do.What right do I have to feel this way.I know this illness isn`t my fault but I can`t help feeling that way.I want to feel better and get on with life but sometimes I can`t see the light at the end of the tunnel.Anyway where do I start?