STUDY PROVES SMITHS FANS NOT GETTING ANY

A study conducted by anthropologists at the University of Michigan has revealed what many music listeners have long suspected: that teen fans of U.K. eighties band The Smiths have sexual intercourse about one-tenth as often as other teens. "It's not that they don't want to have sex," said Professor Marvin Mitchelson who led the study "It's more a case of their persistent melancholy and lack of self-esteem, which makes them completely unattractive to their peers."

The study reveals that while the average teen loses their virginity at or around the age of 16, and have varied sexual relations approximately 10-15 times a year, Smiths fans tend to retain their virginity until at least their second year of college, while those who are having sex do so an average of two or three times a year (but they cry through the whole experience). "These fans spend their time idolizing dead movie stars, sipping tea, wearing fuzzy sweaters and visiting poets' graves. They then go home, and they cry and they want to die," Mitchelson explains. "You can understand why their leader (Morrissey) claimed to be asexual."

Local 17 year-old Smiths fan Brian Orzaball said the study findings didn't really surprise him. "I was sort of seeing this girl Becky from the Drama Club for a little while," said Orzaball. "The thing is, she really needs to concentrate on her school and her poetry right now, and doesn't really have time for a relationship." Orzaball added that he "would really like to get some", but acknowledged that the prospects don't look good for at least the rest of the school year.