Urbs,
I feel like you don’t have enough bad habits to get you through the day.
When my best friend in high school kept trying to kill herself, i think the 4th attempt if I’m remembering this in order, they locked her up.
Then she tried to slit her wrists (while locked up) with the (not sharp) plastic toothpaste tube.
So after that they were like, “not only are you going into a padded room, but you also can’t ever brush your teeth anymore”
They would let her out for daily therapy sessions, and she would be like, “i’m so depressed”
Finally one psychologist was like, “i really think you should take up smoking.”
“Because it’ll be better for you to fixate on that, than to ... not”
So she started smoking camel lights and came out of the padded cell, and then finally, about 4 years later, her dad was like, “i’ll give you $100 if you stop smoking”
And TRUST me, $100 didn’t buy anything then either. And i mean like, NOTHING
Anyway she quit that afternoon, and for a measly $100. So it’s not like you wouldn’t be able to quit again.
I just think you should reassess your available options. You might not want to smoke, but maybe you could also teach English in China like Robby! or something. You could even just do it for 3 months per year.
Or .... Thailand! Then you could crash with Pilla’s dad!