Jeremy Vine on "What Difference Does It Make"

[I am a Ghost]

Going for a song
Jeremy Vine on What Difference Does It Make? by the Smiths

The hand that tapped my shoulder had a ticket in it. Our college canteen was heaving, but my new friend, Paul Murray, had managed to seek me out. “They’re on tomorrow in Newcastle. Stupid name, but who cares? Come along.” It was my first term at Durham, and I was grateful for the light relief from medieval poetry. The trek to a small club in Newcastle we could manage. And the name? Well, I had heard mention of the Smiths. There was a buzz about them in the NME, but as yet I did not know what they sounded like. So I had no idea what to expect when I stood there with a mass of other inebriated 18-year-olds. Then the lights went up and there was Johnny Marr, cigarette hanging from the side of his mouth, playing one of the greatest opening riffs I had ever heard. What Difference Does It Make? was the song. The sound was like a flash of lightning � Marr’s style is multi-layered, more pluck than strum � but better was to come. A gangly twentysomething with a high-stacked hairdo shuffled sideways onto the stage on one foot, sporting NHS glasses and the least surreptitious hearing aid I had ever seen. A bunch of daffodils sprouted from the back of his trousers. Welcome to my world, Morrissey.

I thought I had left literature behind me that night, but this fellow was full of bookish references (“Keats and Yeats are on your side, while Wilde is on mine”) and no mean sense of drama. What Difference? began with the knockout opener: “All men have secrets and here is mine, so let it be known.” The crowd laughed when he started singing. It reminded me of an Arsenal-supporting friend who said: “That lobbed goal by Henry on Saturday; when the ball went in the net, it was so perfect, we didn’t cheer, we burst out laughing.”

Looking back, I see that moment, and that song, as an end of something in music. Punk was dead, the new romantics had run out of hair lacquer, and we would have been back with the classic pop-star-as-tanned-hunk model embodied by Wham! had not the Smiths exploded all the illusions. This was a band who sang about being ill, of all things. And in What Difference? we hear the confusion of the Walter Mitty loser, one minute playing the hero he can never be � “I’d leap in front of a flying bullet for you” � and the next retreating into the reality of failure. “You make me feel so ashamed because I’ve only got two hands” is poetry. Every time I hear it, I am reminded that pop has more capacity to surprise and delight than it gets credit for; and on one night when it did, I was there.

Jeremy Vine presents Panorama and The Jeremy Vine Show on Radio 2

From today's Sunday Times

 

[Kewpie]

Thank you very much for posting.
It's an interesting article, I have two friends who were also studying Durham at that time as Jeremy Vine.

 

[Worm]

Hm. Did the Smiths ever lead off shows with "What Difference Does It Make?" In Newcastle? Did Morrissey sing about Keats and Yeats right around the time the NME was first hyping them up?

Memory's a funny thing.

 

[hatfull]

Hm. Did the Smiths ever lead off shows with "What Difference Does It Make?" In Newcastle? Did Morrissey sing about Keats and Yeats right around the time the NME was first hyping them up?

Memory's a funny thing.

Old age, innet?

 

[Kewpie]

Hm. Did the Smiths ever lead off shows with "What Difference Does It Make?" In Newcastle? Did Morrissey sing about Keats and Yeats right around the time the NME was first hyping them up?

Memory's a funny thing.

Hahaha, well-spotted, Worm!

According to Passions Just Like Mine, The Smiths only played in New Castle three gigs.

First gig 7/3/84 at Mayfair they played "What Difference Does It Make?", but of couse they didn't play "Cemetry Gates".
I think Jeremy Vine and his friend went to see the gig at that time.

Second gig 25/3/85 at City Hall both songs weren't played.

Third gig 17/7/86 I was fourtunate to see them at Mayfair.
"Cemetry Gates" was played, but "What Difference Does It Make" wasn't.

 

[the judge]

I liked very much the article. Thanks

 

[I am a Ghost]

Jezza is probably just conflating things to provide a better story, he is a journo after all.
In fairness to him, from all accounts he seems to be very much into The Smiths/Morrissey.

 

[Grim O'Grady]

Dunno if his brother Tim is a Smiths fan but he's bloody funny!

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T’PAU! I said “Don’t you mean KAPOW??
He said “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet
‘Best Before End’

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said
“Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”

I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.”
The bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he?”

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.”
He said, “You’ve got cholera.”

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?? I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”

So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?” He said, “I’m not stopping you!”

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that’s Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said “I careered off the road”

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts

I bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar” I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

So I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The Elephant Man?” He said, “He’s not your type.” I said “How about Batman Forever?” He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow”


If you get the chance go catch him live!

love

Grim

 

[HIM]

Dunno if his brother Tim is a Smiths fan but he's bloody funny!

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T’PAU! I said “Don’t you mean KAPOW??
He said “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet
‘Best Before End’

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said
“Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”

I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.”
The bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he?”

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.”
He said, “You’ve got cholera.”

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?? I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”

So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?” He said, “I’m not stopping you!”

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that’s Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said “I careered off the road”

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts

I bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar” I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

So I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The Elephant Man?” He said, “He’s not your type.” I said “How about Batman Forever?” He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow”

i think these are the best jokes i've ever heard.

thank you, sir

 

[Musley]

Hm. Did the Smiths ever lead off shows with "What Difference Does It Make?" In Newcastle? Did Morrissey sing about Keats and Yeats right around the time the NME was first hyping them up?

Memory's a funny thing.

But when you get to your forties, believe me, you sometimes can't remember last year, never mind what you did when you were 18. Especially if you have had a good drinking career!

 

[Jealous Of Youth]

Dunno if his brother Tim is a Smiths fan but he's bloody funny!

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T’PAU! I said “Don’t you mean KAPOW??
He said “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet
‘Best Before End’

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said
“Analogue.” I said “No, just a watch.”

I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle.”
The bloke said “Kenwood” I said, “Where is he?”

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him “I’m frightened of lapels.”
He said, “You’ve got cholera.”

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?? I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”

So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them “Can I have a skip outside my house?” He said, “I’m not stopping you!”

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that’s Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I’d been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I’d been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said “I careered off the road”

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts

I bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar” I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

So I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The Elephant Man?” He said, “He’s not your type.” I said “How about Batman Forever?” He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow”


If you get the chance go catch him live!

love

Grim

I presume you are fully aware that these jokes are from Tim Vine, not Jeremy Vine and this is merely some sort of joke from you.. But i agree, Tim Vine is very funny.

 

[Worm]

Jezza is probably just conflating things to provide a better story, he is a journo after all.

A depressingly accurate comment on the state of contemporary journalism.

 

[Grim O'Grady]

I presume you are fully aware that these jokes are from Tim Vine, not Jeremy Vine and this is merely some sort of joke from you.. But i agree, Tim Vine is very funny.

possibly the clue was in my 1st line?

but here I'll show it you again

Dunno if his brother Tim is a Smiths fan but he's bloody funny!

I've highlighted the name of his brother, whom I mentioned in my 1st post! OK I think I've labelled the point

love

Grim

 

[lottie]

Jezza is probably just conflating things to provide a better story, he is a journo after all.
In fairness to him, from all accounts he seems to be very much into The Smiths/Morrissey.

absolutely, but if it gets a moz mention in a column in a good light then im all for it.
It made my week opening my sunday times culture bit and seeing moz/marr grinning out at me, i think i even 'screamed'.. (i was at work! LOL)

 

[I am a Ghost]

Those Tim Vine quips are brilliant, Grim. Cheers!

 

[Grim O'Grady]

Those Tim Vine quips are brilliant, Grim. Cheers!

The Vine family x-mas dinner would be a great invite too to eh? Chatting Smiths to Jezza then pishing your sides with Tim, I could just imagine Ma Vine saying "stop that Timmy, Grim is choking on his nut-roast"!
Yes this is a nice Chardders I'm necking just now!

love

Grim