post a joke

[bysshe]

The Jones's were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Jones.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Jones said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long."

"Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

 

[tlm130]

Sales

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, Became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew What hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 1 3th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. "What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied." I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

 

[tlm130]

Dollars

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY


Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet or purse were ever in a stripper's butt crack?


If not, you're wondering now. Have a nice day...


So folks, always remember to wash your hands.

 

[nightingale+therose]

So folks, always remember to wash your hands.

These are great TLM... keep 'em coming

 

[nightingale+therose]

GOD AND A BIKER


A man was riding his KTM Motorbike along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

 

[nugz]

why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
















fo' drizzle

 

[nightingale+therose]

URGENT WARNING..........


From out of the volcanic cloud, aliens are coming to earth tomorrow... and their mission is to abduct all good looking and sexy people.

View attachment 9491​

.


You will obviously be safe,
but i'm just posting here to say goodbye.

 

[Abrahan]

QUICK SEX


Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office....
But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went t o her and said, 'I'll give
You $100 if you let me have sex with you.'

The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast.
I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend,
She called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,


'HE... HAD... ALL... QUARTERS!'

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

 

[goinghome]

Today, at the bookstore, a very, very old man tottered over to a young woman reading and taking notes in a chair, and said, "Did you hear about the fire at the Bush Presidential Library this morning?" She "huh?"ed and he repeated, and I tuned in, intrigued. He went on: "His coloring books all burned up, and his crayons melted! Haha!" I had to turn and walk away quickly lest I laugh out loud, because this guy looked like my grandpa, and it was the last thing I was expecting. I'd have been less surprised if he dropped his pants and starting telling a very different kind of joke.

What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.

What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
Those who can count, and those who can't.

 

[Worm]

Bush Presidential Library

Isn't this punchline enough?

 

[anon x]

Isn't this punchline enough?

(and I HATE jokes)

 

[PsycloneRanger]

Woah, girls must love astronauts. Because in my science book it said "Astronauts can get all the tang they want in space!"

 

[nightingale+therose]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She
began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the
first shop and a beautiful dress on sale slashed by 75
percent in the second. In the third, everything had just
been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her
husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in
critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor
to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there
as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what
was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.
She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to
the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the
morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a
beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last
shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty,
she dashed to the hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the
corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The
doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and
finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're
proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four
hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been
languishing in pain in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just
as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more
than likely be the last shopping trip you'll ever take!
For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock
care. And you will now be his carer!"

The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.

The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with
you. He's dead. Show me what you bought."

 

[goinghome]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She
began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the
first shop and a beautiful dress on sale slashed by 75
percent in the second. In the third, everything had just
been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her
husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in
critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor
to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there
as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what
was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.
She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to
the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the
morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a
beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last
shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty,
she dashed to the hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the
corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The
doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and
finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're
proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four
hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been
languishing in pain in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just
as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more
than likely be the last shopping trip you'll ever take!
For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock
care. And you will now be his carer!"

The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.

The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with
you. He's dead. Show me what you bought."

That's dark. And in keeping with that spirit -


What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? -Shoot him again.

How can you tell when a man is well-hung? -When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis? -His body.

Why do little boys whine? -Because they're practicing to be men.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-Three - one to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What do you call a handcuffed man? -Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
-You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
-To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do men name their penises?
-Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
-Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
-To stop the snoring before it starts.

What's the best way to kill a man?
-Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him then tell him to pick only one.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
-They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
-Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

What is the difference between men and women? -
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

How does a man keep his youth? -By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
-Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals"

 

[nightingale+therose]

What should you do if you

Those are way too funny... i trust you are a woman then Homeboy, as no man would have the balls to post those jokes never mind find them funny.

have to admit, i had a wee sing-song to myself before i started reading them cause you posted:

"What should you do if you"... and i couldn't help but sing
"can't find the loo in an English country garden..
Pull down your pants and suffocate the plants
in an English country garden."

(don't know if that's a song all British kids are taught or just the belligerent Scottish ones - if it is just the Scots, i apologise)

 

[billy scissors]

That's dark. And in keeping with that spirit -


What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? -Shoot him again.

How can you tell when a man is well-hung? -When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis? -His body.

Why do little boys whine? -Because they're practicing to be men.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. OR How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-Three - one to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What do you call a handcuffed man? -Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
-You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
-To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do men name their penises?
-Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
-Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
-To stop the snoring before it starts.

What's the best way to kill a man?
-Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him then tell him to pick only one.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
-They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
-Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

What is the difference between men and women? -
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

How does a man keep his youth? -By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
-Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals"

Shouldnt the answer to the third joke be - his wife ?

 

[goinghome]

:
"What should you do if you"... and i couldn't help but sing
"can't find the loo in an English country garden..
Pull down your pants and suffocate the plants
in an English country garden."

(don't know if that's a song all British kids are taught or just the belligerent Scottish ones - if it is just the Scots, i apologise)

I'd say you're a howl.

Shouldnt the answer to the third joke be - his wife ?

Clever come-back.

Why did the farmer call his pig 'Ink'?

Because it kept running out of the pen.

 

[billy scissors]

In the second world war,my dad did a lot of scribbling -he got hit by the doodlebug

 

[nightingale+therose]

I'd say you're a howl.

What's a howl??


Anyway....

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


In America, a rubber band pistol was confiscated from an Algebra class because it was thought to be a weapon of math disruption.


A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'


A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'


A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'


A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


The G.I. who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


A backward poet writes inverse.


When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.


Don't join dangerous cults -- Practice safe sects!

 

[nightingale+therose]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..."