It`s a little after 2:30 in the morning here and I`m a little too..ummm I don`t know to sleep.I have all these thoughts running in my head and I guess they must come out somehow.I have been thinking a great deal about the future and a lot about the past.I never thought I would be here at this point of life.It`s true I didn`t know what I wanted to do with my life.In fact I felt a great deal of anxiety about it.Still saying that I never thought I`d end up here.Most people my age have kids,houses,careers.I feel left behind.
I`ve been ill for so long,sometimes it`s hard to remember what life was like before all this.Before the meds,the side effects,the doctors.Before depression,before the self injury and ocd.I remember how scared and alone I felt when I first became ill.It was so,so scary.I thought maybe God was punishing me for something.I used to pray and pray all the time so I wouldn`t go to hell.I sometimes used to pray for God to take me in my sleep so I could escape this torture my own brain was putting me through.There is no way to escape it because it`s inside of you and there is no where to run.
Everything,everyone is passing me by.I`m sitting still and it feels like the world has no color.I don`t hear the birds singing anymore or see the great,big beautiful sky.It`s either hurting so bad that life does not seem worth living or feeling numb.Or you can`t sit still and you can`t do anything to keep the thoughts quiet.It all ends the same way ....pressing the blade into your skin,watching that blood run down your arm.That proves that I am really alive... or that release you needed so badly..this is how I scream...this is how it hurts inside.
I see it.I see how people look at me when they see my scars.I don`t want to be her.I don`t want to be her anymore.She is nothing.She is a stupid piece of worthless crap.A giant loser and a nothing.I hate her.
I`ve been ill for so long,sometimes it`s hard to remember what life was like before all this.Before the meds,the side effects,the doctors.Before depression,before the self injury and ocd.I remember how scared and alone I felt when I first became ill.It was so,so scary.I thought maybe God was punishing me for something.I used to pray and pray all the time so I wouldn`t go to hell.I sometimes used to pray for God to take me in my sleep so I could escape this torture my own brain was putting me through.There is no way to escape it because it`s inside of you and there is no where to run.
Everything,everyone is passing me by.I`m sitting still and it feels like the world has no color.I don`t hear the birds singing anymore or see the great,big beautiful sky.It`s either hurting so bad that life does not seem worth living or feeling numb.Or you can`t sit still and you can`t do anything to keep the thoughts quiet.It all ends the same way ....pressing the blade into your skin,watching that blood run down your arm.That proves that I am really alive... or that release you needed so badly..this is how I scream...this is how it hurts inside.
I see it.I see how people look at me when they see my scars.I don`t want to be her.I don`t want to be her anymore.She is nothing.She is a stupid piece of worthless crap.A giant loser and a nothing.I hate her.
