I'm up late tonight and I don`t feel like going to bed either.I don`t know if that`s good or bad.I am just listening to music right now.Music has always given me pleasure except when I am in my worst states. That has
always been one of the worst things I felt in my depressions.That is the inability to enjoy the things I most love.It`s like living a dull,flat,empty existence.I`d like to think I`m a creative person and when I`m going through the depression my head feels empty.I feel numb and lifeless.I`ve mentioned this before but I have been diagnosed as bipolar 2.When I get that depressed I start to miss the times when I`ve been hypomanic.Those are the times when I talk too fast and have racing thoughts and have more energy than usual.I think it`s kind of funny when I get this way because I am usually such a quiet,reserved person.I mostly keep my feelings inside and I am more of listener than a talker.I guess I prefer it that way.I do feel hopelessly awkward a great deal of the time.I feel it easier to write things out than to talk about them.I guess that`s why I found therapy so hard.I just felt it was hard to talk about my feelings.I don`t go anymore.I just see the psychiatrist now.He`s nice and everything but I just hate that I have to go.I guess a part of it is the shame I feel because mental illness still has a stigma attached to it.I feel the same shame when I go pick up my meds at the pharmacy.I know I shouldn`t feel that shame but still it`s there. I feel I also wear my shame on my sleeve quite literally with all my self harm scars on arms.At one point I thought of then as battle scars(from the battle going on in my head).Now I hate them.I look at them and hate what I`ve done to myself.I think to myself how could you have done that to yourself. Then I remember why I took that cold,sharp metal to my skin and carved on myself.I did it for the temporary relief it gave me,it let me breathe a little free and easy for a little while.I don`t know if it was worth it..... temporary relief=permanent scars.There`s nothing I can do about it now though.I don`t what I wished to accomplish with this entry but I guess I just had some things on my mind.
always been one of the worst things I felt in my depressions.That is the inability to enjoy the things I most love.It`s like living a dull,flat,empty existence.I`d like to think I`m a creative person and when I`m going through the depression my head feels empty.I feel numb and lifeless.I`ve mentioned this before but I have been diagnosed as bipolar 2.When I get that depressed I start to miss the times when I`ve been hypomanic.Those are the times when I talk too fast and have racing thoughts and have more energy than usual.I think it`s kind of funny when I get this way because I am usually such a quiet,reserved person.I mostly keep my feelings inside and I am more of listener than a talker.I guess I prefer it that way.I do feel hopelessly awkward a great deal of the time.I feel it easier to write things out than to talk about them.I guess that`s why I found therapy so hard.I just felt it was hard to talk about my feelings.I don`t go anymore.I just see the psychiatrist now.He`s nice and everything but I just hate that I have to go.I guess a part of it is the shame I feel because mental illness still has a stigma attached to it.I feel the same shame when I go pick up my meds at the pharmacy.I know I shouldn`t feel that shame but still it`s there. I feel I also wear my shame on my sleeve quite literally with all my self harm scars on arms.At one point I thought of then as battle scars(from the battle going on in my head).Now I hate them.I look at them and hate what I`ve done to myself.I think to myself how could you have done that to yourself. Then I remember why I took that cold,sharp metal to my skin and carved on myself.I did it for the temporary relief it gave me,it let me breathe a little free and easy for a little while.I don`t know if it was worth it..... temporary relief=permanent scars.There`s nothing I can do about it now though.I don`t what I wished to accomplish with this entry but I guess I just had some things on my mind.